Shame of It All Page 9

  He wrapped me in his arms and held me tight while I cried. He rocked and brushed my hair. It was the first time he’d held me like this, or I’d let him. He was one of my closest and dearest friends, and in the almost-four years we’d known one another, we’d had a deep connection on an emotional level but never a physical one.

  “You can’t be this upset at Marina deserting you or returning earlier than you want to Cartleigh.” He lifted my chin and swept away the tears drying on my cheeks. “What’s wrong with your grandmama? It must be serious for you to break down to the point of making yourself sick.”

  “I’m not the one who’s sick. Grandmother can’t come to graduation because she’s been diagnosed with cervical cancer. She’s known since December and just told me a few days ago.” I fisted my hands in my hair, and tugged. It didn’t stop the tension headache behind my eyes.

  “It wasn’t fair for her to wait this long to tell you.” He tsked and rubbed my back.

  “She knows I worry about her because I’m all she has. Now I have to return to that shithole to take care of her, and it’s killing me inside, not just because she’s dying but…but I might have to give up so much.” I hugged myself as my guilt sucker punched me in the stomach. “It’s one of the reasons I’m so wrecked. I’m being selfish because I don’t want to go back to that place and see—” I shuddered and locked my arms around my knees.

  “Hush now. I’ll take care of everything. You and your grandmama won’t be alone.” He pulled a small tin from his pants pocket and opened my hand to give me a white capsule.

  “What’s this?”

  He went to the mini fridge and returned with a bottle of water. He also took off his belt and shoes. “It’s to help you rest. When was the last time you had a good night’s sleep?”

  “I can’t remember.” I swallowed the pill along with the water. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken something I didn’t know anything about, but I trusted he wouldn’t hurt me.

  “Now you’re going to sleep, and, when you’re well rested, we’ll talk more about the situation with your grandmama.” He made me get under the sheet and slipped in beside me. “You should be honored to know you’re the first woman I’m sharing a bed with since I’ve been a student here.”

  The tension in my head started to disappear. I faced the wall, and Yakim lowered his arm to my hip while he combed my hair.

  “What about a man?” I snickered, the innuendo not that funny.

  “Neither man nor woman. Just you.” He kissed my cheek. “Now sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

  “I’ve never had anyone in my bed here or anyone else. You’re my first.” I snuggled into my pillow and yawned. Soon darkness washed over me and lulled me into a deep sleep.

  Whatever he gave me did the job, and then some. I woke to murky darkness but not from the rain like yesterday. It was more like the early morning. Yakim’s arm came up under my breast, and his hands tangled in my hair.

  I tried to stretch my legs, but his was wedged between them. One of his hands fell and landed on the middle of my chest. If he moved, he would touch my breast. I wondered what it would feel like, and my nipples tightened. I hadn’t expected to respond to him like this. Did he have the same reaction? Or was it normal between a man and woman who slept together?

  I turned to face him. He stared at me with his usual alertness, but there were sleep lines on his face. He was always well put together, but I now was seeing him differently, something he rarely allowed with others.

  “Something is going on here, and I don’t mean you spending the night with me in this bed.”

  “How are you feeling? Better?” He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.

  “Whatever you gave me worked. But I think I want to lie here for a while. Maybe go back to sleep.” I spoke tightlipped since I didn’t trust my breath. My mouth tasted sour from the wine.

  “It’s not even ten yet. We have time.” He pulled me close.

  “Not sure if I can sleep with you since I’m not under the influence of medication.” I laid my hand on his.

  “We don’t have to sleep. We could do something else to pass the time.” He stared at me.

  I tried to do the same but soon lost myself in his magnetic gaze, causing black spots to appear in front of my eyes.

  “You spending the night has changed something between us.” I pressed my hand to his forehead and pushed his bangs aside. “I think you know what it is.”

  He played with my hair as well. I ran my finger down the bridge of his nose and tapped the edge. He smiled.

  “I don’t want things to change between us. If they do…” I lost the staring game by closing my eyes. “I’m scared.”

  “You don’t ever have to be scared of me or what may or may not happen with our friendship.” He tucked my head under his chin. “Someone hurt you before you met me. I would love nothing more than to make them suffer for what they did because you can’t let it go.”

  Let it go? If he knew why I couldn’t, he would understand. It was unfair to him because he told me so much about himself and his family while I held back. The shame of it all stopped me from trusting him fully. He had given me so much and never asked for anything in return until now, even though it was unspoken.

  “You want to know what happened.” I pressed my mouth to his chin.

  He muttered something in Russian and pecked my lips. It was far from the type of passionate kiss I expected.

  “I want to love you like you should be loved.” His voice was thicker, husky with…lust?

  “It’s the first time I’ve heard you use the word love with me.” I breathed on his neck, wishing I had the courage to kiss him.

  “I’ll tell you when I figured out I loved you, but after.”

  “After what?” I rubbed his back.

  “I don’t want you to be scared, but will you let me do something to prove you can trust me? I have never done it with another woman before.” It was the first time I ever heard him needy, almost pleading.

  “I don’t think you want to have sex with me yet.” I lay on my back and lowered my hands to my stomach.

  He lifted on his elbow and slipped his hand under the sheet and set it on my thigh. When I didn’t react or tell him to stop touching me, he moved his hand right under my stomach and pressed gently.

  “Ohh.” I moved my hand on the sheet to join his.

  “Not my hand but my mouth. Will you let me?” He pressed down harder.

  My pulse echoed in my ears, and right where he touched made me squirm but not in a bad way. It had been so long since I felt this way, a warm and expecting feeling below. He could help the feeling expand and take more of the numbness away.

  I lifted my head and gave him a closed-mouth kiss. He didn’t respond other than to grin. I broke away and laid my head back down and lifted my arms over my head. “Go ahead.”

  “So romantic.” He pulled the sheet down until it was at the end of the bed. He then followed the sheet and wedged himself between my legs.

  “Close your eyes and just feel what I am doing to you.” He spread my legs father apart and lifted my hips to take off my shorts.

  I did what he asked but reached for his hand. He linked our fingers and lowered his head, his mouth and tongue meeting my skin and those places inside me that remained hidden even to my own eyes and hands.

  He went down deep, spending an amazing amount of time to bringing out my pleasure that I had been missing for so long. I shot off like a firework, arching upward as he helped the explosion build until I was past the point of caring. It happened so fast, I lost my voice and all coherent thought as he made me feel alive again.

  The details were lost for me this first time, but the experience would never be forgotten. He held me while I trembled as my sweat stuck to him, like I was marking my territory, owning him.

  He now owned me but in an entirely different way.

  While he soothed me with soft words in his father’s tongue, I started to cry.


  “Sorry, sorry.” He cupped my face and kissed my forehead.

  “Don’t say you’re sorry. I’m crying because you broke me but in a good way.”

  “I don’t understand.” He wiped away my tears.

  I cupped his face like he did with mine and stared straight into his eyes. “I was raped the day after I graduated high school.”

  “Tell me his name.” He spat in a rageful tone.

  “When Colton…that’s his name, raped me.” I shuddered and began to sob. “He-he destroyed my life.”

  I draped myself around Yakim, unable to continue. He just held me, saying everything would be all right, until I fell asleep in his arms.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The last harvest fest I went to was my senior year of high school. Cartleigh considered the three-day affair that brought in tens of thousands of people their original idea. Like any good Cartleigh resident, although a temporary one, I went but alone. I would meet Ari later in the afternoon instead of during the day since he was volunteering at the blood drive at the YMCA. It was admirable of him but I had to accept his schedule instead of him working with mine. I would compromise since I wanted to be noticed and approached, especially since I wore a flattering yellow-and-white striped dress that would have many eyes on me. The white ankle-strap heels made my legs look much longer than they were.

  I was never a fan of big crowds, Nevertheless, I would tolerate them since Colt and his entourage would canvas, not just in his role as mayor but to convince people to donate to his political fund since the rumors had increased about a run for Senate. His uncle Samuel would also be lurking around since he was treated more like a celebrity than a civil servant.

  The last week of October, the weather cooled enough that people brought out the scarves and jackets. When Halloween rolled around in a few days, the weather would stay the same. Unlike those who were trying to come to terms with the change, I wasn’t affected. I wanted to make waves with a dress that kept me warm while still showing off my assets. Even if I had to suffer some cold, it would be worth it to engage Colt in a new way that would move us both in a direction we mutually accepted.

  I strolled down Main Street, casually checking the booths featuring local businesses. Near the entrance to the park, people listened to music at the bandstand and took part in free events mainly for children. Ruby was in her element as she talked with customers who were lined up to try her products at her booth. I could have done more on my part to be outgoing and befriending those in her circle, but I was already spread thin with the church choir, Ari, and convincing Colt I forgave him, as well as work, and checking in with Yakim. Exhaustion hadn’t set in yet, but it lurked under the surface. Mind over matter helped me stay strong and committed to my goals.

  I had just reached the end of the street when I spotted the booth for the Elegant Closet Boutique. The boutique had been in Cartleigh for almost forty years and was one of my favorite stores growing up. Even though the clothing was far too expensive for my younger self, I had always liked their unique fashions.

  Now that I had enough money to own the store if I wanted to, I went over to find something nice for myself, even if it would remind me of my time in Cartleigh. The sign indicating 40 percent off on one of the racks was a draw but the items were still overpriced. I spotted a silk black minidress that would have encouraged Yakim to take me to his bed if I wore it. I pulled it out and took a picture. As I sent the shot to him, someone lifted the price tag to inspect it.

  “I brought the same dress in red last week but in a size six. Since it’s a larger size and the color would wash out my skin, it wouldn’t make sense for me to buy something that would look bad on me.” The woman, who reminded me of Karine but younger and not as pretty, grabbed the hanger and turned her attention to me. “You should buy it before someone else does.”

  “I’ll take it into consideration.” I scanned her from top to bottom, studying her messy very blonde highlighted hair updo, gray sweater dress, and knee-high black boots. “You’re Karine’s younger sister Agnes and one of Mayer Hahn’s assistants.”

  “You’re Mercy Pryce.” She crossed her arms. “Your reputation is well known in Cartleigh.”

  I could read a lot into her statement based on her not-so-friendly body language. If she thought she could embarrass me, she would be in for a big surprise. She was an annoyance who would be handled.

  “Instead of me asking what type of reputation I have, why don’t you tell me?”

  Confusion spread over her face. Perhaps she expected me to respond with a snappy response or play dumb. The majority of the time, answering a question with a question worked in my favor.

  She shifted back, allowing the dresses on the rack to give her cover. For one who was the first line of defense when it came to Colt, she was more kitty cat than tiger.

  “You’re here for the Alzmeya deal. Colt and Karine mentioned you a few times,” she revealed but still with an undercurrent of scorn. She really must not like me.

  I would have liked to have been known as Gertude Percy’s granddaughter since she had lived in Cartleigh for over fifty years. But she had been forgotten since she wasn’t part of high society or made a name for herself in other ways. She was just a nurse.

  “I was in high school with the mayor and your sister. They stayed here, and I left.” I kept as close to the facts as possible.

  “But now you’re back and trying to reconnect with those who never wanted you around in the first place.” She gave me a sunny smile.

  I was honestly clueless as to why she didn’t like me. It was our first interaction, and, unless Colt or Karine told her something derogatory about me, I didn’t know why this witch wanted to make an enemy of me.

  “My employer thought I would be a good liaison for the negotiations because I grew up here. Reconnecting with past classmates is coincidence.” This trivial battle of words was boring me. This girl really didn’t want to annoy me more than she already had. It would be a shame if she ended up as a causality because she pissed me off.

  She rolled her eyes with dramatic flair and snatched the dress. “I saw you and Colt at—”

  “Agnes, we were wondering where you disappeared to. I thought you were going to the bathroom?” Karine’s husband, Brody, approached, and rested his hand on her shoulder.

  A nice flush traveled up her face, and she’d lowered her gaze when Colt appeared with a brown bag oozing the smell of honey.

  “Hi, Mercy. Would you like a honey nut cluster?” He held out the bag as either a peace offering or a temptation.

  The sickening-sweet scent wafted upward, almost making me gag. “No thank you.”

  “I’ll take one.” Brody drew out a cluster half the size of his hand from the bag.

  Agnes grimaced as her brother-in-law munched on the treat. “I made a quick stop because I wanted to buy this dress, and I introduced myself to Miss Pryce since we’ll be more involve with Alzmeya.” She clutched the dress to her chest and moved out from under her brother-in-law’s arm. She mumbled something about returning to Karine and the girls and marched past Colt and toward the register. He patted her back as she passed but stared at me.

  I should have fought for the dress, but in the grand scheme of things, it was far from a priority of mine. Let her have a win for today, and enjoy her new ownership of the two-hundred-dollar item she would wear to make her feel better or to seduce someone who could give her what she couldn’t find on her own. I had an inkling it would involve Colt, but in the short time I’d seen them interact, he treated her like a sister, probably because of Karine.

  Brody licked his fingers and then answered his cell. “I’ll catch you later.” He clapped Colt on the arm, and, with a nod at me, left.

  “You like these dresses?” Colt flicked through a few, rudely staining the dresses with his honey-salted fingers.

  “I always liked Elegant Closet, but I couldn’t afford it when I was younger. Agnes and I have that in common.” I caught her staring at us
from down the street while she talked to a couple with a baby carriage.

  “I must be paying Aggie well if she can afford one of these even on sale.” He checked the price tag and whistled.

  “You’re seriously surprised how much a dress costs? You’re that clueless about women’s fashion?” I teased, more so because we were in public.

  “I know a thing or two about what women like to wear and how much it costs.” He joined me as I entered the park.

  “Should I assume your experience with the ladies made you an expert on women’s fashion, or was it because you dated Marina?” It had been a long time since I said her name out loud. My throat tightened, as if to block me from saying it.

  “I was waiting for you to bring her up, but I didn’t expect it here.”

  He paused mid-step and not because people said hello to him. He still played his role of mayor to near perfection, but it was obvious mentioning Marina had an effect. It made sense since they had known each other for a long time and were engaged before she died in a horrible car accident he might have been responsible for.

  “Why not? The opportunity presented itself.”

  “And you’re always open for opportunities.” He took his sunglasses from his jacket pocket and put them on.

  I could had done the same since the sun was bright, but I wasn’t going to hide behind sunglasses like him. But he didn’t seem to mind hiding. His patronizing smile proved it. It was time to take away his smile.

  “I’ve been lucky to have those opportunities offered to me. I’ve worked hard to be a success even though some in this town probably thought I wouldn’t amount to much, or so you told me that night at the lake.”

  I would have loved to see him flinch or lose his healthy tan, but neither of those things happened. He rested his hands on his hips, his fingers tapping the only reaction to my not-so-subtle statement. I may have not said the word rape, but he had to know I meant it.