Shame of It All Page 8

  The band began playing Eric Clapton, which set a relaxing mood. I didn’t have to be on guard or play a role with Ari. He was so comfortable to be with, safe, much like Yakim. I closed my eyes to shut out the scene and listened to “Wonderful Tonight.”

  His arm came around my shoulders. “You’re not going to fall asleep on me, are you?”

  “Not yet. I’m good for another few hours.” I opened my eyes and swallowed a yawn. I finished off my seltzer and watched in drowsy amusement as the guitarist played his solo a little too enthusiastically.

  Ari turned his attention to the stage, also. “Hopefully Ray won’t pull his arm like he did last time.”

  “You know the guitarist? That’s his real hair?” I snickered as the man Ari just mentioned grimaced as he continued his dramatic playing.

  “He used to date my sister before she met her husband.” He set his glass on the table and lifted up to take his wallet out.

  “Let me get the next round.” I grabbed his glass and my can to slide out of the booth.

  The song ended, and the crowd applauded like they were seeing the real deal. As I leaned over to ask Ari if he wanted the same beer, I glanced toward the bar and caught Colt smack in the middle talking to Karine’s husband, Brody. Colt stared right at me, drinking a beer.

  I had been so involved with Ari, I hadn’t noticed Colt’s arrival. He kept his distance by staying at the bar. He must prefer to be a voyeur instead of trying to join our table with the excuse of being more than acquaintances who could share drinks together.

  I told Ari I would be back with our drinks. He nodded and asked what type of drinks I would get, but then a man and woman dressed in the same black Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon T-shirt said his name and came to the table. Not wanting to waste time with introductions because it would delay my interaction with Colt, I scooted down onto the main floor to make my way to the bar.

  Brody said something to Colt and walked away.

  The space where Brody had been was still open, allowing me to slide up to Colt while I tried grabbing a bartender’s attention.

  “I guess I should ask what brings you here on a Friday night, but the answer is obvious.” I snagged two cherries from the condiment holder and popped them into my mouth, stem and all.

  “You shouldn’t have texted in front of me. Or mentioned you were meeting Cobb as you were leaving.” He settled his elbows on the bar like me, erasing any leftover space between us.

  “How did you convince Brody to come with you?” I snagged one last cherry to eat.

  He took a lime and sucked on it. “He had a late dinner with a client. I asked him if he wanted to have a drink before he went home.”

  “I like it here.” I indicated the spot lit top-shelf alcohol. A specific bottle made me think my eyes were playing tricks on me. Who would have thought a former dive bar owned a nine-hundred-dollar bottle of Deleon Leona Tequila Reserva?

  “I haven’t been here since my last run for mayor. I held a meet and greet here when I first ran. I may do the same next time because it was so successful.” He dropped the orange rind on his beer can.

  “It helped with your election?” I sighed in frustration at the three bartenders at the end of the bar, giving shots to a group of women.

  “You could say that.” He straightened and tapped the bar top. “How’s your date with the vet going?”

  “How do you know it’s a date?” I glanced behind me. Ari still talked with the Pink Floyd T-shirt couple.

  “You might not think it’s a date, but I bet he does.” He gazed past me and mouthed a hello at whomever.

  “I don’t know why I’m taking to you. I should stay away from you and stick with Ari.” I shifted, ready to leave, but Colt brushed my arm with his.

  “You’ve talked more to me than I would have ever expected. Why?”

  He sounded confused, his authenticity not just in his voice but in the lines in his forehead and his not-so-subtle touch. He must be bracing himself in case I brought up the night he stole everything from me because he was a selfish prick.

  “I have my reasons, but this isn’t the time or the place to discuss them. Maybe the reason I can talk to you and let you touch me without flinching or punching you is because you don’t scare me…like you once did.” I cleared my throat. “Like you did that night.”

  I moved away, needing a large expanse of space between us now. Colt said my name and reached for me, but a bartender approached us.

  “Mayor Hahn, I didn’t see you come in. What can I get you?”

  “Excuse me. I’m an old friend of the mayor, and I was going to buy him a shot. Give us two shots of Deleon Leona. I also need another lemon lime seltzer and lager.”

  The man’s eyes widened. “Miss, the Deleon Leona is for show. Do you know how much a shot costs?”

  I took out a fifty-dollar bill. “It’s on me, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  The man signaled for the only female bartender and told her to get my drinks while he grabbed the dusty bottle of tequila to pour the shots.

  “Pour one for yourself,” I told him and set down another twenty.

  “Mercy. Why?” Colt didn’t lift the shot, though the owner quickly downed his.

  “Because I can. Now next time you’re lucky to drink a high-quality tequila like Deleon Leona, you’ll think of me, and it won’t take twenty years.” I saluted the bartender, drank the shot, and took my drinks. I exhaled a breath to steady myself as I made my way to Ari.

  I didn’t bother to check behind to see if Colt drank his shot, but by the time I got back to Ari and the band started playing, Colt had disappeared.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  “When I asked if I could walk you to your door, and you said yes, I didn’t think it meant staying outside in forty-degree weather to watch the full moon over the lake.” Ari blew into his palms and stomped his feet.

  The night was the coldest so far, but it didn’t bother me in my cashmere coat. It shouldn’t have bothered him, either, since he wore a fleece.

  “We could go inside, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me.” I settled back in my Adirondack chair with my knees tucked in, viewing the night’s sky filled with a landscape of stars.

  “I’m okay. I’ve been caught outside in worse.” He pulled out not just one pair of gloves from his coat pocket, but two. “Here put these on.”

  I lifted the gloves he dropped on my knee. “Why do you have two pairs in your coat?”

  “Buy one, get one half off sale from last season. I forgot I had both.” He put them on.

  Touched by his thoughtfulness, I slid them on. The fur on the inside enveloped my hands in warmth. It was nice, much like the man next to me.

  “Ari, you’re such a sweet man. Why are you single?” He could always ask the same of me, but I had another excuse prepared, which included my jet-setting career and independent nature.

  He crossed his arms, hiding his hands under them. “I met a woman in college. We were together three years. But she cheated on me, and it was the end of our engagement.”

  “That bitch!” I thought of a few choice names in my head about this woman who hurt him. Maybe if he told me more about her, I could hunt her down.

  “It’s what being a ‘sweet’ guy gets you. A broken heart.” He gave me a sad smile. “Not that I mind the label.”

  “I assume he’s not a vet?”

  “He’s a science teacher. They dated in high school, if you can believe it.” He slouched lower in the chair. “They remained good friends, but I ignored the signs, especially after we announced our engagement. A few months later, she told me she cheated with him and realized she always loved him, and his lifestyle suited her needs better than mine.”

  “I know people who can make her life miserable. Just say the word.” I made a slashing motion across my throat.

  He chuckled and squeezed my knee. “Calm down, tiger. They’re married with three kids and living a perfect life in Connecticut.”
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  “At least you have Herriot. I bet he’s a better companion than your ex, and won’t cheat on you with the poodle next door.” I squeezed him back.

  “You always wonder what might have been.” He stared up at the sky. “But then I wouldn’t be here with you on this beautiful, my toes are about to fall off from the cold night.”

  I slapped his arm. “Go visit Oymyakon in Siberia and you’ll know the true meaning of cold.”

  “You don’t mind visiting Russia even though they don’t think highly of Americans? You’re not worried they’re tracking your every move?”

  He sounded like he was teasing, but I couldn’t be sure. His question was one I had been asked before, so my response was practiced.

  “I’ve always been treated with respect by their people. Maybe because I speak the language and have friends who are very protective while I’m there.” I had the urge to check my cell to see if Yakim had texted or called. I hadn’t communicated with him today. I still had a few hours left until the day ended, so I wasn’t worried.

  “Your employer is constantly mentioned in the press, and it’s not always positive.” He tightened his hold on my knee. “It doesn’t worry you—”

  I tapped his hand, not only to make him loosen his grip but to stop him from bringing up politics and possible conspiracy theories. “Zeldovich’s sons have dual American and Russian citizenship since their mother is American.”

  “My concern for Cartleigh is secondary. My main concern is for you.” He placed his arm behind me on the edge of the chair. “Why aren’t you married or in a relationship? Do you have roots other than here?”

  Well, I walked into this one. I should have stayed away from asking about his relationship status. It made sense he would ask about mine, especially if he was interested in more than just friendship. A fling between us was a possibility, but he might want something longer lasting. I really didn’t want him hurt in my quest for revenge.

  “I’ve had a few short-term relationships, but they always died out. I admit it’s hard for me to ‘date’ or commit to a person because of my career.” I closed my eyes and exhaled to steady my heartbeat pulsing in my ears. “I blame my childhood and what happened to my parents. More my mother than my father because he died before I was born.”

  “But your grandparents were rock solid, so you had that at least.” His fingers found the edges of my hair and tugged gently.

  “I always wanted more for them, especially my grandmother. She was a different person after Granddad died, but she hid it from everyone, except me.” I lowered my chin to my knees and stared at the water lapping at the shore.

  “This was one conversation I hadn’t expected to happen. Can we have a do-over?” He gave me a one-armed hug.

  “If you ever need a second job, you would be a good therapist.” My eyes grew heavy as he continued playing with my hair.

  “Giving therapy to dogs and cats is good enough for me.”

  It had been quite some time since I’d been this relaxed and…restful. It was nice to be with someone who didn’t expect anything more than my company. I would have loved to bottle up this moment and keep it with me for those days when nothing made sense and I wanted to hide from the world.

  But hiding wasn’t an option. I was constantly reminded not just by the memories but what was in front of me. As I relaxed into Ari’s embrace, an upstairs light came on in the Hahn house. A few minutes later, Colt appeared in front of the huge window, drinking from a glass.

  I dug my chin on my knees as I watched Colt staring ahead. If I had entertained him more at the bar, would he have invited me to his house? Would I have spent the night trying not to murder him in his bed?

  I hated to internalize things and preferred to have someone to bounce ideas off of, which was usually Yakim. As much as I enjoyed Ari’s company, he was oblivious to my real needs and expectation for my time here in Cartleigh.

  The tender moment between us was over.

  I stretched and yawned. “As much as I would love to continue to sit here with you, it is getting late, and I’m starting to sniff from the cold.”

  Ari helped me up from my chair. He took both my hands and massaged them. “I have to work tomorrow. But I’m free on Sunday. If you’re interested, Cartleigh is having our annual harvest fest. Hopefully it won’t be too chilly, but then again a little cold snap never stopped anyone from operating booths along Main Street and in the park for eight hours.”

  “Good old harvest fest. A Cartleigh tradition I’ve missed.” I’d enjoyed the festival because Grandmother had. I had planned on going since Colt would be there.

  “Maybe we can go together. I’ll call you tomorrow after work.” He let go of my hands and put his own in his coat pockets. “I would ask if you’d want to get dinner or something tomorrow night, but I have darts with the guys.”

  “You play darts?” How…quaint.

  “We’re in a Hudson Valley league—the Hammered Darts. Check it out. Maybe next time you can come.”

  Playing darts was far from my idea of fun but, since he asked, I would entertain the idea. His invitation might just be politeness on his part, another attribute of his good nature, but he might be testing me to see if I fit in his world.

  “Was that a sigh or another yawn?” He drew me in for a hug.

  I returned the gesture, although I kept watching Colt on the deck. He didn’t wear a coat but didn’t look cold. I’d love to know what was going on in his head.

  “Yawn. I’m ready for bed.” I let him release me first and kissed his cheek as a thank you for a nice evening. I began to take off his gloves. “Before I forget.”

  He shook his head. “Keep them.” He escorted me to the back door and left after I went inside and locked it.

  I didn’t go to the front of the house to watch him drive home, and I kept the gloves on. I remained staring across the lake at Colt for a while and then called Yakim.

  ###

  The shades over my window brought darkness to my dorm room. The rain outside added another layer. The bottle of Pimms I currently drank allowed me to float away, to welcome more of the numbness I accepted daily.

  I should be celebrating like most in my senior class. Only a week until college graduation, with very few loans to pay off. Yay me, practically debt free and with a degree in finance that might give me a better chance of getting a job than someone with a bachelors in communications. But the likelihood I would have to return to Cartleigh to help Grandmother made me sick to my stomach, and it wasn’t because of the booze I drank.

  A loud crash of thunder exploded outside the window, making my heart knock against my chest. The shadows on the walls moved in sinister ways. I closed my eyes but I felt like I was falling off the bed. Maybe getting drunk wasn’t a good idea after all. I lowered the bottle between my legs and hiccupped. Tears filled my eyes. Damn it. I hated crying.

  I had a good cry and stared up at the ceiling, listening to the rain. I should call Grandma to check on her. I should also call Marina and let her have it for not coming to my graduation, the selfish—

  A knock on the door made me jerk, but I didn’t answer it. When a second knock didn’t come, I relaxed, but then the sounds of a lock turning and the door opening made me sit up. When Yakim entered and closed the door, I lay down, remembering I gave him a key.

  “It’s a good thing I have this.” He showed me the key attached to his key chain.

  “Something I may end up regretting. Why are you here?”

  “Checking on you.” He surveyed the room even though he had seen it countless times. “I should have gotten you a bigger one for your senior year. We should have shared a suite.”

  I propped up on my elbows. “How could you have done that?” My dorm was one of the best on campus, with a private bathroom. Plus, I had the corner unit, which was one of the largest in the building. I lucked out big-time by not having a roommate. He had his own off-campus apartment, thanks to the generosity of his parents. He’d tried to c
onvince me to live with him, but I wanted some independence even though we were attached at the hip most of the time.

  “How do you think you got this palace, and with no roommate?” He tapped his chest with his fist. “I did, or rather my father did because you bring me such joy.”

  I covered my eyes with my arm. “Of course you did because you get everything you want.”

  He walked toward me, and, after pulling the chair away from my desk, sat next to my bed. I peeked over my arm at him. He crossed his one leg over the other and folded his hands on his knees, dressed to go out in a long-sleeve charcoal dress shirt and gray slacks. The heat didn’t affect him. I wasn’t dressed for company in my Amherst T-shirt and drawstring pajama shorts. He viewed me with concern.

  “Why are you drinking such cheap alcohol?” He lifted the bottle with two fingers and scowled at it.

  “It’s not a high-class vodka like you’re used to, but it does the job.” I stopped drinking because it made me nauseous.

  “You’ve been crying tears of sadness, not joy.” He bent forward and swiped his finger down my cheek.

  “I received some bad news today.” I thought of Grandmother in pain, alone and afraid. Tears made my eyes sting.

  “Milost.” He sounded as broken as I felt with my heart breaking and my emotions all over the place. He moved to sit on the bed, and I scooted over until my head was on his upper thigh. He combed away my hair.

  “Marina called me to tell me she won’t—can’t come to my graduation. She has a big audition for some magazine shoot then. She expects me to see her in Cartleigh at the end of the month.” I fisted the fabric of the comforter, wishing I could tear it because I was so angry. “I told her I wouldn’t be back until August because I was going to be in Kiev with you. She didn’t seem to care because she said if she got the modeling job, she would be in New York for the next six months anyway, and I would have to visit her there.”

  “We can put our visit on hold for a—”

  “No!” I gripped his thigh. “I’m only planning on visiting Cartleigh for a few days in August to tell Grandmother about the job with you. I was holding off until then to tell her because—” I lost it then and started to sob.