Shame of It All Page 7

  I was limited in my appearance, which I accepted a long time ago, but it was the first time he’d insulted me this way. I had a bad feeling things between us would not end on a good note. I needed to escape.

  “I didn’t tell anyone I applied. I took a chance and got in.” I shrugged, acting as if it wasn’t a big deal.

  “You applied for early admission and got a scholarship. It should be mine!” he yelled and flew toward me.

  I closed my eyes and turned my head. I should have covered my head and dropped to the ground. I expected him to hit me. He seized me by the arms again and squeezed. I almost relaxed when his wet mouth landed on the side of my face and he huffed.

  “You’ve ruined everything, you heartless bitch. My dad and uncle are disappointed in me because you got into the school I should have gotten into. I’ll be the first Hahn in a century not going to Amherst.” He jabbed his fingers in my arms to create more bruising.

  “If it’s so important to you, why not ask your dad to use his influence to get you in there?” A sudden vision of us going to Amherst, and as a couple in the open, gave me a glimmer of hope. But it really was ridiculous to think we would turn out that way.

  “He could if he wanted to, but he won’t.” He grabbed my hair and jerked my head back to look at him. “You fucked up my plans, you stupid cunt.”

  If he had hit me, it wouldn’t have hurt as much. After all I had done for him—writing his papers, pep talks when his father gave him shit, and giving him pleasure before mine. The only boy I turned to for sexual gratification, now held such animosity for me all because I took something important away from him. I hadn’t put him first for once, and he was insulted. Talk about finally opening your eyes to something that was always in front of your face but you chose to ignore.

  “You think I’m a cunt because I wanted something better for myself? Fuck you!” I screamed, enjoying my spit hitting his cheek.

  He twisted my hair hard in his fist and pushed me deeper into the rock, the jagged edges scraping my back and arms. “You should have stayed in your place like your black grandfather.”

  His rage transferred to me. Granddad was a quarter black though not many knew it. He passed for white because Grandma was white. I had been stupid to tell Colt, but he had shared some private information about his family. His comment about Granddad’s race and his over-the-top anger about college told me all I needed to know. Our breakup, or ending, whatever we had was certain now.

  “I’m done with you and this entire town. Let me go.” I had so much more I wanted to say, but my pain was too strong to do anything but cry.

  “I’ll let you go when I want to.” His hand left my hair and curled around my throat.

  My gut-wrenching pain morphed to fear. He couldn’t be thinking of… “Killing me won’t get you into Amherst.”

  He laughed and pressed his knee between my legs, making them turn to jelly. “I’m not going to kill you, stupid.”

  “But you’re going to do something else to punish me.” I drew my hand around his on my throat. “Hurting me won’t change anything. And wh-why would you want to hurt a friend?”

  “Friend?” He jabbed his thumb in the side of my neck. “We were never friends. You were just a convenience, easy to manipulate like so many others in school. If you think you’re special, you’re dumber than I thought you were.”

  I wish he would stick to insulting my looks, but there wasn’t much there to insult. So he continued to question my intelligence. Even now, with the upper hand, the power to ruin me, he still showed his weakness.

  “What do you want from me? Lashing out won’t change anything. It is what it is.” I tried shrugging, to show I was better than him. I tugged at his hand, but he wouldn’t budge.

  “It is what it is? I always hated the phrase. You will, too, after I’m done with you.” With his hand still around my throat, his other hand yanked on the hem of my skirt and jerked it up.

  A wave of dizziness hit me between the eyes, and I had trouble breathing but not from him cutting off my air. If he did what it looked like he was going to do, he should just kill me.

  “Colton, please calm down. Let’s keep talking, and we can—”

  The blow he landed to my cheek stunned me. And then he tossed me to the ground. As I tried to blink away the black spot and tears in my eyes, he bent down and thrust open my legs, tearing my underwear.

  “If you scream, I’ll strangle you until you pass out and still fuck you.”

  “Please…please don’t do this. Why? I never have.” I tried to turn around and…crawl away? I didn’t have a plan. If I fought, he would, too, and he would win. Even if I was covered in bruises and cuts, no one in Cartleigh would believe me. They would believe the golden boy like they always had.

  “Shut up. You owe me.” He squeezed just enough to make it burn as I gulped in air. My face throbbed where he hit me, and something wet trickled down the inside of my thigh. I could have told him I had pissed myself, but he was too lost, obsessed with making me pay for stealing something precious from him.

  I shut down. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of fighting while he raped me. I lay there like the broken doll he had created, happily emptying himself inside me after ripping that part of me I held close so I could give it to someone who would cherish it. He destroyed all my hopes in less time than it took to warm up a car in January. I let him because I couldn’t stop him.

  He left me there after he finished, going one step farther and flinging his residue on my face, his final goodbye. I stared up at the sky, in pain. Had it been the same for the poor girl who had died at the hands of someone who was selfish to take her life just because he thought he could?

  ###

  The sand under my feet felt much the same as then, as did the tears drying on my cheeks. I faced the water now, rather than lying on my back with a vengeful man on top of me, tearing into my body in a rage because I took something from him he never had in the first place. The cool fall breeze filtered through my hair and brushed the side of my throat that once had a bruise—a bite mark from Colt before he finished his punishment. It matched the black and blues on my arms and inside my legs, ones remaining for a week after. I let the evidence fade away instead of showing anyone proof of my rape.

  But I survived, and now I stood here in the stark light of day. There was no way in hell I would return to the scene of his crime at night. I would never come to this part of the lake after dark. The memories of my rape, flung on the sand and abused haunted me. I hadn’t died. I was numb, though, something I embraced for years. But since Marina’s death when I hatched this plan to take down Colt, I felt more alive than ever.

  I spotted a crumpled plastic bottle near the edge of the water. It disgusted me because I hated litter, especially at such a spot so peaceful despite the violence that had occurred for two women. There may have been others, but it would remain a mystery, much like the beer can Colt threw in the lake that night. Was it still at the bottom of the lake?

  I grabbed the bottle and walked back to the house, crunching the plastic until a jagged edge pricked my palm, leaving behind a sting that would remain for most of the day. A reminder of some of the pain inflicted but didn’t overpower me to the point of madness. I refused to embrace the madness of my situation but rather release the madness on others, specifically Colt. Perhaps then a type of madness would wrap him in a suffocating embrace. It would snuff him out like he once tried to do to me.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Choir practice on a Friday evening wasn’t a choice but a necessity, or so I had been told by a few members. Some would say their dedication to their craft was commendable, but I found it somewhat sad to practice for two hours and then again on Sunday morning. Based on the participation and the number of people in the choir, I came to the conclusion most didn’t have much of a life outside church, or they didn’t want to be at home for some reason. I could have shown more sympathy, and perhaps convinced them to reveal what made their lives so
lonely, but I had important things on my mind. I had to convince Father Chavis to let me help with the church accounts. It would be so much easier if he let me on his computer in his office instead of breaking into his office at some ungodly hour to access the information that might ruin Colt.

  My cheery smile and affable demeanor worked on the choir group, as well as Father Chavis. Or it could have been my angelic voice. I was close to sealing the deal based on the approving nods and a few winks from the priest. They were for me alone, and no other. He was a bit blatant, but the group appeared oblivious. I hoped he acted this way because he appreciated my singing and not because he wanted to offer a seedier type of counseling. There was only one man in Cartleigh I was willing to open my legs for, specifically to cut off his penis, in a figurative sense. Yakim might not forgive me if I seduced a priest, so there was no point in considering it.

  We finished at eight on the dot, although some in the group wanted to continue. When Father Chavis suggested they all go to a diner for coffee and dessert, the majority hurried from the room, perhaps away from the lingering smell of burnt toast because of the boiler next to it. I acted interested but noticed Father Chavis didn’t say he would join. As everyone left, I stayed behind to grab his attention.

  “You’re a welcome addition tonight, Mercy. You sing like an angel.” He chuckled and patted my arm.

  He didn’t let his hand linger too long and didn’t stare at my chest, although my blouse showed more cleavage than the last time he saw me. Perhaps he wasn’t the type to engage in the sins of the flesh and only skimmed off the church donations?

  His smile was too…jolly, if it could be called that. He waited for me to respond, fidgeting. It was subtle movements such as him tapping his right foot and running his thumbs on one another while he folded his hand in front of him. Maybe he was nervous alone with a woman? Or maybe he had somewhere to be and wanted me to leave? His social life wasn’t that impressive, so I’d go with my first intuition.

  “Thank you for your kind words, Father. Being a part of something like the choir makes my life more meaningful, especially since most of my time is negotiating things in a satisfactory manner between Cartleigh and Alzmeya.” Trying not to gag at myself was difficult.

  Father Chavis held out his arm toward the hall and moved in that direction, forcing me to do the same. Not that I minded. The burnt smell wasn’t as prominent there, and I didn’t have the portrait of Jesus hanging on the wall near the clock judging me.

  “I’m interested in other volunteer opportunities at the church or to lend assistance since funds might be limited for hiring people.” I folded my arms behind my back to show off my cleavage, in case I was wrong about him.

  He furrowed his brow. “I don’t need any assistance. I have a secretary who does adequate work.”

  “Oh.” I pressed my hand to my chin. “I don’t mean to imply your secretary isn’t good at what she does, but some of the parishioners told me you might need some help with the financial end. I don’t know how Mayor Hahn does it all since he’s so busy.” I moved in closer and peered down the hall, lowering my voice. “There’s a rumor he’s thinking about running for Senate, since his uncle is thinking about retiring. He might not have enough time to continue working on the accounting for the church. If that happens, I would like to take over, since I’m a CPA.”

  “You are? I don’t know of many women CPAs. Most are men.” His cheeks turned red.

  He was either naïve or a chauvinist. He’d probably shit his pants if he found out how many languages I spoke, and about my masters in finance and law.

  I laid my hand on his arm, mimicking what he had done to me earlier. “I have many skills that may surprise you.” I winked.

  He burst out laughing and gripped my hand. “If I didn’t know better, I would say you’re flirting with me.”

  “Father Chavis!” I giggled and squeezed him back.

  “I would love to continue our conversation, but I have another appointment. Would you mind walking with me to my office? Perhaps we can set up an appointment to discuss your interests.”

  Hm, an evening appointment on a Friday? Definitely odd but his door was always open, or so he told me. Some would say his dedication to his job was admirable, but I was suspicious. Taking note, I walked with him. I hadn’t been inside his office yet, and it wouldn’t happen tonight. Colt stood outside the office, still dressed in his suit, although no tie.

  “Colt, you’re here early,” Chavis said, and the men shook hands.

  “My dinner didn’t last as long as I thought it would.” Colt turned his attention to me. “You’re here as much as I am, Mercy.”

  “We just finished choir practice.” I really wanted alone time with Father Chavis in his office. Having Colt here now ruined everything. I hadn’t planned on interacting with him today, especially since I would see Ari in less than an hour for drinks.

  “Mercy might end up as our star soloist.” Father Chavis unlocked his office door and entered.

  “We’ll see how it goes on Sunday.” I took out my cell when it buzzed. Ari would pick me up at my house in twenty minutes.

  Colt glanced at my phone. “You’re always texting or getting texts.”

  “How would you know? Spying on me, Mr. Mayor?” I kept my snark to a minimum even as Colt took a great interest of my chest.

  I willed my body to respond to his interest so it would show since I wasn’t wearing a padded bra. Another great skill of mine was making my body react to situations on command, such as becoming aroused. I wasn’t quite there yet with Colt to allow him to check between my legs, so giving him a show with my breasts, even hidden under silk fabric, would have to do for now.

  “It’s a small town,” he said, as if his explanation made sense. He probably had yes men and women telling him about the comings and goings of the residents. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had someone reporting to him about my movements. If so, he would be bored because when I wasn’t at my office in the building Alzmeya temporarily rented, I was at home updating Yakim.

  “Indeed it is.” I continued to text Ari instead of engaging Colt in a long-winded conversation. I had been caught off guard by him at first. It made me more aware of the way I reacted to him.

  “I would invite you to join Father Chavis and myself, but you may find it boring.” His arm brushed mine as he moved in closer.

  The familiar scent of his cologne made me sneeze and shift back. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to get rid of me or wanted me to stay.

  “Maybe the next time we go through the accounts, Mercy can watch. She expressed an interest in helping us with that chore.” Father Chavis’s cheeks glowed a deep red as he smiled. Had he taken a few quick nips of something hidden in his desk in the short time Colt and I stood in the hall? I didn’t smell alcohol on him, so the mystery of whether he was an alcoholic would remain for now.

  “Oh, has she?”

  I caught him reading one of my texts. Now he knew Ari and I would go to Hop Toff’s, the once local dive now gastropub.

  “Yes. I would love to volunteer in other ways other than the choir while I’m here.” I still pretended to be involved in my phone, bringing up directions to Toff’s. It was for Colt’s benefit. Either he would stew over the knowledge I would be there with Ari, or he would stop by after he finished here. Either way, he would be annoyed because I would be with Ari, not him, and might spend the night with Ari in other ways.

  “Maybe the more involved you’re in the community, you’ll then want to stay after the Alzmeya deal is finished,” Colt said, an undercurrent of assurance in his voice.

  I’d like to think I heard some longing in his tone, not because I expected him to want me to stay because he missed me all these years. He was probably falling back on past memories, of the good old days before he destroyed my innocence, as cliché as it sounded. How tempted I was to say something about him raping me. But any outburst on my part or sudden change in my plan would ruin the outcome I sought. I wou
ld refrain like I had done many times before so I could recover and become strong enough to take away everything he held dear.

  “It’s getting late, and I have to meet friends.” I patted Father Chavis’s arm like he had done to me and moved toward the exit. “Enjoy your late-night meeting with the mayor.”

  “It’s not too late for a Friday night.” Colt watched me leave instead of following Father Chavis into his office.

  “I’m hoping Ari will think the same.” I shot him a stiff smile and walked up the steps to the outside parking lot. He could have chased after me, but he already had all the information he needed from checking out my texts to Ari.

  Now the ball was in his court, whether he would surprise me for once and perhaps hoped I would concentrate on him and not Ari.

  ###

  “When was the last time you listened to live music at a bar?” Ari spoke loudly in my ear as the band finished playing with a loud guitar riff.

  I had never willingly been to this type of establishment or considered listening to a cover band. But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. “Once or twice in college.” I lifted my can of alcoholic seltzer and tapped his pint of lager.

  “If you’re not having a good time, we can go someplace else, like—”

  I nudged him in the side with my elbow, enjoying his intake of air even though I hadn’t poked him too hard. He was sensitive, or so he had mentioned a few days ago where he was the most ticklish.

  “I’m having fun. After working fifty-plus hours this week, it’s nice to have a few drinks and listen to music.” I curled my arm around his and rested my chin on his shoulder. “I like being with you.”

  “I like being with you, too.” He moved his hand to hold mine.