Shame of It All Read online

  I did look again to see how Marina fared. She lay in the sun, as naturally posed as if she was at a photo shoot. She was beautiful, a sight most men would drool over. But I returned my attention to Yakim because whenever I was in a room with him, I couldn’t stop watching him.

  “Your friend should take care with how much she drinks. The alcohol may cut her modeling career short.” He returned to my side with both glasses filled. He made me a vodka club soda with lime, my drink of choice for when we lazed by the pool.

  “She doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her, and she looks younger than her age.” I didn’t want to admit I was jealous, so I would say I was envious.

  “It’s not obvious unless you’re looking for it, but the lines around her eyes and mouth are heavy. Also, without makeup, her face has red splotches and puffiness on her cheeks that may be due to some harder substances than alcohol.” He took my drink and sipped.

  Marina loved a good party and told me what occurred at them. She probably did her share of drugs, but in her words, it was to experiment. She wasn’t high or near drunk now, so perhaps she was a recreational user.

  “She probably has dabbled here and there.” He gave me my glass, and I took a sip. “I guess we’ll see when we go out tonight to partake in the fun Sochi has to offer.”

  “It might be better to spend the weekend near Moscow, if you and your friend want something more entertaining than Sochi.” His polite tone showed he wasn’t a fan of the idea. Any type of evening fun I may want involved him and, most often, Leona, with or without Maks.

  Yakim and I rarely argued. We never fought. But if I persisted or even joked about showing Marina the shadowy side to the social world he had the ability to provide, it might lead to an uncomfortable discussion between us. I’d rather not go down that road.

  “I’m staying here for my vacation like I always do in August unless there’s a change in the itinerary?” Moscow or Saint Petersburg was a short plane ride away, but unless Yakim’s parents requested his company, he stayed away.

  “Nothing has changed.” He curled his hand behind my neck and massaged the muscle there. “Leona will be here within the hour. She should get along with your friend.”

  Leona got along with everyone. She had a soothing presence and was very loyal to her friends who proved their worth. She was as dear to me as Yakim. But her allegiance, first and foremost, was to herself.

  “It’s been too long since I’ve seen her.” I took another sip as he ran his fingers down my back.

  “She’ll help you relax.” He pressed his fist in my tight lower back muscles, as always finding just the right spot. “What’s going on here? Why are you so stressed? Because of your friend?”

  I gave him my full attention by turning in his arms. “Why don’t you ever mention Marina by name? You always call her my friend?”

  “She’s your friend, not mine.”

  “You don’t like her.” I patted his chest to show I wasn’t upset by his confession. He didn’t trust many people, and I could understand why he would clash with Marina. They were complete opposites.

  “I like authentic beauty.” He reached for my glass and drank. His gaze locked with mine. “Why settle for the artificial when I have the real thing?”

  He was the ultimate sweet talker, but he meant what he said. He presented the truth as he saw it. If it were just us here, I would have showed him how much those words meant to me. But Marina had been alone long enough. She would grow impatient if I left her to her own devices, especially without something to drink.

  “I appreciate your hospitality with Marina.” I kissed his cheek and backed toward the French doors. If I didn’t leave, I would remain with him, lost in our own world. “I do hope you’ll join us when Leona arrives.”

  “I’ll make myself a drink and take a dip.” He requested a goodbye kiss and then returned behind the bar.

  I rejoined Marina, who sat up. “Took you long enough. Did you almost drown in the bathroom?”

  I gave her the cosmo, and she took a healthy sip. “Yakim will join us.”

  She lowered her sunglasses and gazed at the tinted glass door as if she could see inside. “When you visit Cartleigh for Christmas, you should bring him. Mama would get a big kick out of him, he’s so mysterious and foreign.”

  “Yakim is blond and pale and open with his work.” I rolled my eyes because she still looked in the other direction. She hated when I rolled my eyes at her. “I’ll give you the foreign mention.”

  “And money.” She drew her sunglasses over her eyes. “You know why Cartleigh is still my home base? To show all those muckety mucks I’ve become something important. You could be like me and prove them wrong.”

  “Cartleigh is in my past. Since Grandmother died, I don’t have a reason to return there.” I’d never told her why the town was so toxic for me. Why ruin it for her when she was finally treated well there?

  She squeezed my arm. “Was it really so bad for you growing up there? At least you weren’t treated like white trash because you lived in a trailer park—”

  The glass door opened, and Yakim exited with Leona tucked to his side. He’d changed into his Speedo, reminding me of a professional swimmer. Leona was dressed more conservatively than Marina in a pink bikini, her hair loose. She sent me a smile that reached her eyes, which didn’t happen often unless she was only with me and Yakim. For her to do so in front of Marina meant she was in a good mood.

  I leaned down and gave Marina a hug. “Let’s hold off on this conversation for now. I’d rather enjoy this perfect summer day with the people I care about the most. Let me introduce you to Leona, who you’ll adore as much as I do.”

  “Damn, she’s hot,” she said, the approval tainted by an undercurrent of disdain. Leona had many years of practice handling self-centered women who were resentful of her appearance. Marina needed her confidence to be taken down a notch anyway.

  I helped her stand, gladly curling my arm around her waist to give her support while she met the two people who would sacrifice their lives for me, as I would do for them.

  I had been wrong about Marina in so many ways. She wouldn’t sacrifice anything for me, especially when she tried to seduce Yakim the last night she was here.

  ###

  Some might say wearing the clothing of a dead woman was disturbing, sick even, but for the cancer-awareness charity gala, I needed to push Colt more than I already had. Marina had worn a deep-purple Alexandre Vauthier off-the-shoulder bodycon dress to a charity gala the first year she dated Colt. I had bought a replica. She wore purple in many of the pictures, and skimpy, tight dresses often. For tonight, I would not only honor her memory but channel her when I finally seduced Colt. The main question was whether I’d let him have intercourse with me in some room at the venue or stick to his tongue and fingers inside me, and make him beg for more.

  Ari would be the odd man out. He was my escort for tonight’s festivities, but his role ended there. He was still clueless as to what our relationship was. I didn’t help matters by talking to him on the phone for three hours last night. He accepted my apologies for standing him up graciously after I asked him to be my date. Coming on his arm would surely ignite Colt’s indignation since I went out of my way to ignore his calls or see him at the places he visited, or the ones he assumed I might be at.

  My stomach was a bundle of knots. I wasn’t a fan of fancy public displays, but as one of the faces of Alzmeya, I was expected to be there. If I ever had to attend an event, which was sometimes the case when it came to Yakim’s parents’ generous charitable donations, I was with Yakim and Maks or with Leona. I was rewarded for my service because I always impressed.

  Despite the many times I had attended a higher-class function, some with royals and foreign dignitaries, I was still anxious. I would act with polite indifference so I didn’t insult anyone. I had to be respected by the time my tenure was done here so no one would blame me for making Colt look like a fool and shaming his family as an extra ince
ntive.

  The doorbell rang, announcing Ari’s arrival. I sucked in my stomach and rolled back my shoulders as I walked down the stairs barefoot to be sure I didn’t twist my ankle in the Jimmy Choo black suede open-toe heels I’d bought for tonight. I opened the door and was met with a debonair Ari in a tuxedo. Pride overtook my prodding nervousness. He would make me look as good as I would make him.

  His jaw dropped, and he shook his head and held out a single red rose. “You’re beautiful.”

  “Thank you.” Touched by the gesture, I curtsied and flipped my hair over my shoulder.

  He scanned me from head to toe, making me even more at ease. “Your toenails match your dress.”

  “As do my fingernails.” I showed off my manicure. “I also had my hair styled and my makeup done. It’s been a while since I’ve done something girly for myself. I take it you approve?”

  He took a step closer but remained outside. “Very much.”

  I accepted the rose and then slipped on my shoes. “If I constantly hold your arm, it’s because of these killer heels. I need to get used to wearing them.”

  “Hold me all you want.” He watched as I drew my charmeuse shawl around me instead of a weather-appropriate coat.

  He held out his arm and I accepted it while I locked the door.

  “Before we go, may I kiss you?” he asked so sweetly I couldn’t refuse.

  “I’ll even let you smudge my lipstick.” I lowered my hands to his shoulders and pressed my mouth to his, warming me in the chilly night.

  ###

  The Grand Oaks was a well-known venue for sophisticated affairs. Valet parking was a given, which Ari didn’t complain about, although he acted a bit embarrassed by his eight-year-old sedan. I didn’t mind because the make and model didn’t prove the worth of the individual driving it. Most of those who drove luxury cars were trying to make up for something they lacked. Yakim had many cars at his disposal, but he always stuck to his Lincoln Navigator, since the car reminded him of his grandfather. His father had the same fondness for that type of car but mainly used chauffeurs to get around.

  “You’re probably used to all this glitz and glamour,” Ari said as we walked up the short flight of stairs into the foyer.

  “I’ve attended my share of swanky parties and balls but they can be exhausting. Unless you want to, we don’t have to stay until it ends. We could always have a nightcap at one of our houses.”

  “We’ll see how the night goes.” He twined our fingers together as we moved toward the banquet hall. “The only type of event I’ve been to that compares to this was my sister’s wedding, and there were a hundred guests, give or take.”

  I laughed and rubbed his arm, wishing if only for the next few hours, we were an actual couple. But I wasn’t here to engage in that fantasy for either one of us. I had to find my mark and entice him in more than just conversation.

  Most of the men wore tuxedos like Ari’s. The women showed off their attributes with their dresses and hair, much like I had done. The room swelled with so many people, it made me wonder if it was a safety hazard even though the majority of the guests remained at the bars on each side or surrounded servers passing trays of food. A few occupied the small dance floor near the bandstand. Based on attendance, I would say the event was a success. Yakim would be pleased because not everything would be fake when he pulled out of the negotiations. I would be long gone when the deal collapsed and those in this room realizing they had been conned.

  “Are your feet hurting? Want to sit down, and I’ll get us some drinks?” Aril led me to a table and pulled out a chair.

  “That would be nice.” I accepted the seat and glanced around while he did, finding Karine and her husband nearby, along with Agnes. Not surprising, Colt was next to them. They had formed their own intimate circle near the corner of the bar. I leaned into Ari so I could stare at the group over his shoulder.

  “Get me a cabernet.” I kissed his cheek and hugged him at the exact moment Colt turned his face toward me. He stiffened.

  “You got it.” He kissed me back and walked to the bar where Colt stood. Ari stopped near two men who shook hands with him. Since he might spend some time talking, I decided to disappear for a few minutes. But before I did, I posed for Colt’s benefit. He moved in my direction, and I backed away and left the room.

  I strolled down to the lower level where a sign on the wall pointed me in the direction of another set of restrooms. I glanced behind to see Colt stopped by some people. I kept moving because the only reason anyone would venture here was to use the toilets. He would eventually find me.

  I entered the restroom consisting of a small sitting area that led to three stalls and a sink. The light automatically came on when I entered, but it could be turned off manually. I sat on a love seat and waited all of three minutes before the door opened and Colt entered, shutting it behind him.

  He blocked the door but didn’t lock it. I wasn’t worried because for him to attack me again would be monumentally stupid on his part. The camera in the hallway had recorded him entering after me. I could bring it up as an extra layer of protection but only if necessary. Plus, I would be taking control of this situation, not him.

  “Nice dress. It suits you.” He leaned on the door with his hands in his coat pocket.

  He was dressed in an almost-identical tuxedo to most of the men here. Other than his good looks, nothing would make him stand out in this crowd. But I would be nice and play along with the compliments.

  “You look good in a tuxedo, but you already know it.” I stood, laying my clutch on the seat next to me.

  “In my line of work, wearing a tux or a suit is a given.” His sad sort of smile didn’t move me in any way.

  “Why did you follow me here?” The answer would be obvious, but I wanted to hear him say it.

  “You wanted me to.”

  The lack of accusation in his voice annoyed me. He was stating a fact, but his words had a huge underlying meaning because of our past. A man accusing a woman of wanting something from him was beyond insulting. Because it was Colt, I assumed it would be sexual in nature. What I would give freely, he would take.

  “You assume I want many things from you. Have you thought I just want you to notice me and nothing else? You used to do the same in high school, before and during our hidden affair.” I used air quotes around the word affair and approached him.

  “Did you ever tell Ari about us?” He took his hands out of his pocket and lowered his arms to his sides.

  “Why would he care about something twenty years ago that doesn’t concern him?” I folded my arms behind back.

  “He doesn’t know anything?” He shifted closer.

  “What is the anything you’re worried I’ll tell him about?” I tapped my chin with a lacquered nail. “Perhaps the same anything you didn’t share with your dead fiancée?”

  He grabbed me by the arms and spun around, shoving me into the door. He breathed heavily, and his grip tightened to the point he might leave marks.

  “Have I triggered you without saying the actual words? What if I say them?” I wanted to snarl and hit him but remained impassive, as if he wasn’t manhandling me.

  He closed his eyes and inhaled through his nose, ending with a short rattle. “I can’t do this with you. It’s…shit.”

  I should be impressed I had such power to affect him in such a way he was torn up inside. If only I had the same power when we were teenagers. It was going to be easier than I thought. I relaxed into the door. “So, you do want me.”

  He opened his eyes and mouth but didn’t make a sound until he groaned and knelt in front of me and clutched my hips. He pressed his face in my stomach, making me spread my legs open so I wouldn’t join him on the floor.

  If he expected me to rub his head and hold him while he was wracked with guilt, he would be horribly disappointed. Any sympathy would be a mockery. Any intimacy acted upon was a means to an end for me. This time, I would have all the power.

 
“You want me to forgive you for raping me?” Finally saying to him directly what he did to me should have been cathartic, but I wanted to be cruel. I tugged on his hair, making him stare up at me as vindication swept through my body. For the first time since Marina died, I felt so alive.

  “I don’t know.” He fell back on his heels. “What I did was wrong but it was so long ago, so if you’re thinking of—”

  “Hush.” I tapped his nose and stepped around him to sit on the love seat. “You can make it up to me, and no, I’m not going to blackmail you.” Yet. “What I want from you will be enjoyable for us both.”

  I wanted to cackle, not that I had ever done anything like it, but the astonishment on Colt’s face was beyond comedic. He must think I was crazy since it was beyond comprehension his victim would proposition him for some type of sexual act after he violated her violently years ago.

  If he had dropped to the floor in shock, I wouldn’t have been surprised. But he remained standing, just staring like one would do if they saw a car accident.

  “What do you want from me?” His voice cracked, but the front of his pants tented with his penis.

  “You owe me gratification because you took it away from me so long ago.” I hiked up my skirt to my thighs and then checked my watch. “You have less than eight minutes to make me come. I’ve been in here long enough, and Ari will start to worry.”

  Either mentioning the time restraint or Ari’s name forced Colt to act. He took a huge step toward me, bent down, and braced his hands behind me. It was the closest we had been to each other since that night at the lake. Back then, I was terrified. Now, I was calm and collected because I held all the power. He couldn’t hurt me even if he wanted to because he was transfixed, under my spell.

  He lowered his face to kiss me, but I turned away and held up my hand. “I don’t want you to kiss me on the mouth. Use it elsewhere.”

  “What if I don’t want to?” He gripped my wrist.