Shame of It All Read online

  I eventually regained control. I raised Marina’s wedding dress picture to the side of my face so I could look at us both in the mirror. Perhaps we weren’t so different. She had the same vacant stare I wore. But unlike her, I was skilled at hiding my rage with polite indifference even when no one would see.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Colt served dinner on the ground-floor deck surrounded by LED lights and heat lamps. The once-rowdy neighbors quieted while we ate, but smoke from the firepit still rose above their fence and soft rock music floated over to us, which helped break the silence when Colt wasn’t speaking. He talked while I ate. He also drank something lighter for dinner—vodka tonics. His face was flushed, and he rambled on like we were old friends catching up.

  I would let him have this moment of camaraderie. It would make it much easier for what I planned for dessert.

  “Have you noticed how easy it is to see your house from here?” He pointed his thumb over his shoulder.

  “Since I can see your house from mine, it makes sense.” I lifted the glass of vodka to my mouth but didn’t drink. “I used to spy on you and your friends, mainly during the summer. Marina always wanted to hang out at my house or swim in the lake.” I sipped to pause for effect. “She later admitted she did it because she wanted to catch sight of you.”

  He slouched in his chair and smiled. “She told me when we started dating. You don’t remember when she swam from your house to mine on the Fourth of July our junior year?”

  “Some things are fuzzy from back then.” I viewed the moonlight shining on the lake. “The first night I slept in Grandmother’s house, I dreamt Marina swam to your parents’ boat. I also dreamt you waved me over. Did it really happen that way?”

  He glanced up at the sky. “I don’t remember. I, ah…didn’t notice you until well into our junior year.”

  The attraction we had for one another began then, mainly because my breasts filled out and my curves took shape. The glasses I wore until I was sixteen were replaced with contacts. Marina helped me dress more appropriately, and I started tutoring him in math.

  “I stopped wearing my glasses then. Maybe my bedroom eyes drew you in.” I batted my eyelashes theatrically.

  He finished his drink. “Do you wear contacts now?”

  “I don’t need to. I had laser surgery at a wonderful clinic in Singapore.” Yakim not only recommended it but had used their services himself.

  His eyebrows lifted. “How many places have you been to?”

  “Name it, and I have probably been there with the exception of North Korea and some Middle Eastern countries where it’s too dangerous for women from the United States to visit. But I spend most of my time in Russia.”

  “I would have never expected you to live in Russia. So, Cartleigh is really just temporary for you?” He sounded put off by the idea.

  “I keep on the move with my work. You should understand since Marina also traveled internationally.” The last time I saw her before her death was a long weekend she spent at Yakim’s summer residence in Sochi. After, I hadn’t heard her voice until she called me to tell me she was engaged to Colt. Less than forty-eight hours later, she was dead.

  “But she was still the same girl…woman I knew since school.” He shook his glass with the melting ice cubes. “What I mean is, she talked the same—”

  “Unlike me who lost her New Yawk accent and speaks like a foreigner?” I leaned over for his glass. “I’m still American but I have acquired European traits. The multiple languages I speak help smooth out any colloquialisms.”

  I walked to the portable minibar where a nice array of alcohol had been set out. I poured him a healthy amount of vodka with very little lime juice, while mine was made with less vodka. I brought his drink to him but didn’t take my seat. I preferred to remain standing for the next round of discussions between us.

  “I can’t tell if you’re insulting me or not.” He sipped his drink. “Have we moved to that stage yet?”

  “Your accent is barely noticeable. Marina had a stronger one she couldn’t hide. Maybe it’s why you two hit it off so well later in your lives.” I swirled the liquid in my glass with my finger. “You both embody Cartleigh even though you two were on different ends of the social spectrum.” I waved my hand around. “It’s almost too stereotypical where the rich boy falls for the girl from the wrong side of the tracks.”

  He smirked at my assessment but didn’t correct me. “And what about you?” He stood and joined me near the railing. “You never meant to come back here.”

  “There is a specific reason why. We both know what it is.” I clinked my glass to his and downed my drink while he stared at me in stunned silence.

  He drank a healthy portion of his drink and retook his seat at the table. He didn’t comment on my heavy use of vodka. Good. “I guess we both have enough liquid courage to talk about that night.”

  “First, tell me the truth surrounding Marina’s car accident. What made her drive drunk and crash into a tree?” I wanted her to come first. I was fine being second.

  “She wasn’t—” He rapped the table with his fist. “She did have wine at the spa but didn’t drink too much based on what the staff said. She could hold her liquor and wasn’t an alcoholic.”

  “I’m not saying she was an alcoholic. But something caused her to crash. Was there car problems? Was she depressed or suicidal?” How I wish he would take responsibility for the accident. I couldn’t say he was directly involved, but something happened between the time she and I talked on the phone and her accident on her way to the fundraiser where she and Colt planned to officially announce their engagement.

  “She was happy, on cloud nine. She couldn’t stop looking at her diamond engagement ring.” He finished off his drink and bounded out of his chair. “I have proof she was as happy as a clam. We took pictures that day, selfies and posed ones to send to our friends and family.” He patted his pants pocket. “Where is my cell? I’ll show you.”

  He stumbled toward the screen glass door and opened it to enter the house. I followed, stopping only to grab the bottle of vodka. When I entered the living room, he tapped his cell.

  “Here, come look.” He flopped on the couch.

  I sat next to him with the bottle on my knee. He took the bottle and dropped his cell on my lap and then left for the kitchen.

  The picture was a close-up of Colt and Marina with big smiles as she showed off her engagement ring. I set his phone on the seat next to me, disgusted.

  Colt appeared, pouring vodka in a new glass. His eyes were bloodshot and shiny. “She would have been a great first lady even with her trailer-trash background.”

  “First lady as in the state of New York or higher?”

  “I aim high, and so did she.” He lifted his glass in a salute. “We were well suited for one another.”

  “Tell me about the day she had her car accident.” I grabbed the bottle from him and contemplated drinking straight from it.

  “Why aren’t you looking at the pictures on my phone? They’re all PG-13, so they won’t embarrass you or me.” He moved swiftly for someone three sheets to the wind, and as he picked up his phone, he dropped his glass on the carpet, the contents spilling everywhere.

  I leaned down to lift the glass, but he snagged my hand as he swiped through the pictures. “The only real thing I have of value of Marina are pictures.”

  “What about her engagement ring?” Did he think little of the ring he gave her in the guise of love?

  “It’s in a safe deposit box at the bank. It was the only thing intact from the accident. She burned…her body…ashes.” He pressed my fist to his mouth to cover his sob.

  My stomach churned. His slobbering made me nauseous. Witnessing him break down should have brought me great joy, but it repulsed me. He failed to give me any real evidence of his involvement in Marina’s death. Also talking about my rape would be on hold again.

  “I’m sorry.” He groaned and kissed my hand.

  My
arm stiffened as I pushed as hard as I could on his mouth. I wanted his teeth to cut his gums so they bled. “Sorry?”

  “Sorry for losing Marina and sorry for hurting you.”

  “And how did you hurt me?”

  He lowered his head, still clutching my hand. Suddenly he jerked and bent forward. “I’m going to be sick.” He shot up from the couch and rushed down the hall. Then there was a slamming of a door.

  I shook my hand, as if I could free it of his germs, and rose. I went in the kitchen and scrubbed my hands with dish liquid until I was satisfied they were clean. I opened the refrigerator and, finding a bottle of carbonated water, I poured some in a glass and added a few drops of the drug. Hopefully he would accept the water to calm his stomach. If he drank it, soon after he would become drowsy and then fall asleep for a good eight hours. With him dead to the world, I would be able to do what I had to do in the house, undetected and without suspicion.

  I knocked on the bathroom door. “May I come in?”

  “Yeah.”

  I opened the door to find him sitting in front of the toilet with his back against the wall. There weren’t any vomit splatters, but it still smelled foul.

  “I drank too much.” He burped and wiped his mouth.

  Kneeling next to him, I held out the sparkling water. “Something for your stomach.”

  He took it and drank the entire thing. He didn’t even question my intent or act suspicious. Was he really this stupid?

  “I need to lie down.” He grabbed the towel rack to stand.

  I helped him rise, and he looped his arm around my shoulder as we walked down the hall to a bedroom.

  “I can’t climb the stairs to the master. I’ll be fine in one of the guest rooms,” he mentioned as we entered.

  He let me go and knelt at the foot of the bed as he took off his shoes and his shirt. He kept his pants and socks on then rolled on his back, arms and legs spread open.

  “You aren’t going to kill me while I sleep?” He lifted his head, his eyes in slits.

  “You’re more useful to me alive.” I found a blanket on a chair and laid it on him.

  “Because you want to fuck with me like I fucked with you?” he moaned and lowered his head on a pillow.

  “Is that what you call raping me? Fucking with me?” I clutched a pillow, imagining suffocating him with it.

  He responded with a snore. I stood over him, arguing with myself why I shouldn’t smother him. But it would be messy, and I didn’t want to go on the run and disappoint Yakim. There was only so much covering up he could do. Instead, I moved Colt to his side so he wouldn’t choke. I lowered the blanket to his feet, unzipped his pants, and lowered them along with his briefs then took pictures of his cock and balls, close-ups as well as long shots so I could get his face. I sent them to Yakim. The sight of Colt on display didn’t move me in any way. He was of average size and unimpressive. To think he had done such damage ramming with his penis inside me. Back then, it was a thing of horror. Now it was pathetic and ugly, like most penises I had seen up close. Not even Yakim was exempt from my opinion.

  After saying Colt’s name and receiving no response, I placed the blanket back on him and shut the door. I went out to the deck to clean up our dinner and tidied the living room, taking my time to make certain he still slept. Yakim called just as I finished writing a note to Colt.

  “Milost, you’ve had a productive day,” he asked in his welcoming drawl I missed hearing.

  “I’m in Colt’s home, and he passed out in bed from drinking too much. The pictures of him I sent you may make you bleach your eyes.” I took the USB drive from my purse. “He keeps his office unlocked. His laptop is in there. I spotted it when he gave me a tour.”

  “Good. I will walk you through the download. You have gloves?”

  I pulled on a pair of latex gloves from my purse. “Yes, Dorogoy.” I walked up the stairs to the second floor.

  “We’ll make sure you’re finished in less than thirty minutes,” he said as I entered the corner office. Other than the desk with the laptop on it, the room was free of clutter. The bookshelf had hardcover books varying from law textbooks and nonfictions of famous political figures and events.

  “Thank you for helping me through this process.” I sat at the desk while I powered up Colt’s laptop.

  “I’ll always be there for you. This will be easy. The next part, not so for you.”

  “I’m ready.” The light from the welcome screen showing Colt saluting an American flag made me roll my eyes, but then I grinned as Yakim instructed me how to infiltrate Colt’s hard drive.

  ###

  “You have the best luck, you bitch.” Marina stretched her arms over her head, thrusting out her D-cup breasts barely covered by her white string bikini top. She had gotten the breast enhancement a few weeks ago as a gift to herself for signing an exclusive three-year contract with Versace.

  A month away from turning twenty-eight, she looked five years younger, which should have surprised me because of her active social life. The way she downed her second cosmopolitan should have concerned me. She always enjoyed drinking in high school, but I’d never seen someone gulp vodka like water.

  “Best luck? You, also, miss international supermodel.” I saluted her with my seltzer. I wore a one-piece swimsuit because Yakim preferred it. His fashion expertise and tips were always right. I liked how the midday sun made the copper-colored fabric shimmer. After a rainy July, August in Sochi was off to a good start with clear blue skies and eighty-degree weather. There wasn’t anywhere else I wanted to be. His summer home was my haven.

  I assumed Marina meant Yakim when she mentioned luck. She thought he was my sugar daddy. When I tried to convince her otherwise, she grew defensive. Her attitude had changed since the last time we saw one another four years ago.

  “We’re so lucky but owed it.” She finished her drink and released a small burp. “If those asshats in Cartleigh could see us now, they would swallow their tongues.”

  Any mention of Cartleigh soured my mood. She had a bad habit of talking about our hometown, perhaps because it was the only thing we had left in common.

  The sun burned my eyes and made them water. I swung my legs off the lounger to rise. Maybe I should have something stronger to drink. Marina would want a refill.

  “I need to use the loo. Want another drink?”

  She giggled and lowered her sunglasses. Today, her eyes were a bright green. She wore different colored contacts most days, depending on her mood. “Loo? You sound so posh. I’m more widely traveled than you, and I don’t sound snooty.”

  If only she knew how many countries I’d visited since graduating college. Some she wouldn’t dare enter. But it wasn’t a contest between us. I just hoped she’d tone down her condescension. She would be here for another three days, and already Yakim preferred to stay in his home office and work or meet with friends and acquaintances while Marina and I caught up. She had yet to meet Leona, and I was afraid their meeting wouldn’t go well.

  I tied my sarong around my hips and took her glass. “I can bring out some cheese and crackers if you’re hungry. Yakim’s chef also made a vegetable dip that will have you salivating.”

  “He has a chef?” She sat up, staring at the house as if he would appear. “He has a brother, right? Maybe I need to hitch a ride on him like you have with Yakim.”

  “Unfortunately Maksimilian is taken, but you’ll meet him at dinner tonight.” His Old-World charm would bowl her over. Maks was more like his father whose charisma hid his cunning. If she thought she could flirt and placate him into submission, she would be in for a big surprise. Only Leona had the power to do that.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” I walked across the patio to the sliding glass door.

  As I entered the house, Marina took off her bikini top and spread lotion on her arms and torso. I almost told her to stop being an exhibitionist, but other than Yakim and myself, there was no one here to witness her display. Security was fa
r enough away to give us privacy.

  The cool, inviting living room with its view of the pool was primarily used for entertaining guests. The windows were tinted so no one could see in. I watched Marina rub lotion on her newly enhanced chest. She kept her bikini top down as she soaked in the sun.

  Yakim entered the room. He was always quiet on his feet, but his distinct smell always told me when he was nearby. He stood behind me and curled his arms around my waist. I linked my fingers with his.

  “Are you enjoying the afternoon with your friend?” He rested his lips under my ear.

  To lie or tell the truth? I was always honest with him. I tilted my head to the side to let him press his lips there. “Marina is still a force of nature and loves being noticed, as you can see from her topless display.”

  “You’re far from a prude. Are you jealous I’ll turn my attentions to her?” He chuckled on my neck.

  “If you did, it would be temporary.” I didn’t have to worry about him straying. He always returned to me. “She would flirt with you like crazy, but she wouldn’t poach. She thinks I’m your kept woman.”

  He lowered his face to my shoulder and laughed loud enough to make us both rock. I turned in his arms and combed his hair while he laughed. When he calmed down, he cupped my cheek and kissed my nose. “If there is anyone who is kept, it’s me by you.”

  Any tension I carried vanished. For some reason, I had been anxious about Marina’s visit. She was different from the girl I once knew, not because she was a celebrity or star in her career, but there was some type of wall between us I found difficult to break. Maybe we had to work on re-establishing the bond we had as children.

  “You’re such a sweet talker.” I kissed him and lifted the glasses. “I’m here for refills. Marina can’t get enough of your cosmos.”

  “I appreciate the compliment.” He took the glasses and went behind the bar.

  I should have gone back outside to Marina, but I always enjoyed watching him make drinks. His skills were as excellent as the man himself, especially in his dark suit.