Shame of It All Read online

  “Then we leave and pretend this interaction never happened.” I checked my watch. “You know have six minutes.”

  “I could make you do what I want like last time.” His whispery threat failed to ignite any fear. He was far from the menacing presence he used to be.

  I spread my legs wider to show him what I wanted him to do. “You really want to go down the same path? I’m offering you absolution, my permission. This time you don’t have to rape me to get what you want.”

  It had taken twenty years for me to finally confront Colt in person with what he did to me. This wasn’t the way I had imagined it to be. There were not emotional outbursts or accusations on my part. Just stating facts with indifference.

  Perhaps another man would have left the room in shame. But Colt had embraced his confusion and disbelief. Like before when he had me against the door, he lowered to his knees and laid his face in my lap.

  And like before, I didn’t offer comfort. I wiggled my hips to raise my dress to my stomach to entice. He delivered by dipping his face into my thighs. I lifted up and took off the thong I wore specifically for this occasion and dropped it to the floor.

  “You have five minutes.” I settled into the cushions and closed my eyes.

  Without any more direction from me, he spread my legs and pressed his face in deep to give me the pleasure he once denied me.

  CHAPTER TEN

  I texted Yakim while he was on a big screen in the ballroom. A pre-recorded version of him expounded on the great things Alzmeya had done and would do for Cartleigh. Applause and cheers broke out when he announced how much his company would donate to the charity. I sat in the hallway near the coat check for some privacy. I could have done the same in the downstairs bathroom, but it smelled musty with arousal and sexual completion. Colt succeeded in making me climax. But he didn’t orgasm himself. After he made me come, I left him there to reflect on the seedy interaction I hoped caused him discomfort for the rest of the night.

  He was in the ballroom with his friends and associates, probably trying to decide if he should have a drink to erase my taste in his mouth. Even if he did drink, my taste and scent would remain because he practically smothered himself by how hard he pressed his face on me, as if he wanted to swallow me whole. He had done a more than adequate job—the evidence on my inner thighs stuck together from my release.

  Yakim texted a response to my sexual interaction. It was one word—understood. Most often than not he was curt in texts, but this one felt different. Or maybe I was paranoid because he knew what this phase in my plan consisted of. He had even been the one to recommend it and other ways I could enthrall Colt like I had done in the bathroom.

  But as I reflected on the last hour, I became unsettled because there really was no turning back. If I stumbled in any way moving forward, I would end up the one devastated, not Colt.

  “Hey, there you are.” Ari appeared out of nowhere, or it seemed like that.

  “Hi.” I went to cross my legs, but the residue of Colt’s ardor made me fully aware I betrayed Ari, even if we weren’t committed to one another. It was not polite to have a sexual encounter with a man while at an event with another man as your date. The entire situation was pathetically comical and made me laugh.

  “Are you okay?” He knelt and rested his hand on my knee.

  It was the first time in my life not only one man, but two had knelt before me. I didn’t want to compare him to Colt because he didn’t deserve that contempt. He really didn’t deserve any of the lies and secrets I kept from him, either. But like all things when it came to Colt and Cartleigh, he would be involved in some way.

  “I’m not feeling well. I think I’m getting…” I lowered my gaze to my lap. “I have cramps.”

  “Oh!” His voice was higher than normal. For the first time tonight, I smiled. He was such an aw shucks type of guy.

  “Maybe if I drink ginger ale, I’ll be okay.” I grimaced as I imagined a cramping in my side.

  He pressed the back of his hand on my cheek. “You’re warm and flushed. I think we should go.”

  “But we’ve only been here an hour, and I should really make my presence better known.” I wanted to taunt Colt. Everywhere he went tonight, I wanted him to see me.

  “You must be running on fumes by the number of hours you work. Unless you can grin and bear it, I really think it’s best we go home.” He stood and held out his hand to me.

  “Which home? Are you going to drop me off at mine and leave?” I took his hand and swallowed a grunt as an ache spread around my ankles and calves because of my heels.

  He drew my arm through his and escorted me to the exit. We passed the ballroom as cheers exploded. The wall of bodies obstructed my view, so I was unable to get one last glimpse of Colt. But I did catch Yakim on the huge screen on the back wall right before it went black. The proud smile I adored was more sardonic than usual because of his public persona. The people here were fools to celebrate his success and what they thought he could do for them. I could be counted as one of them tonight because a voice in my head was calling me much worse than a fool.

  ###

  The sanctuary of Grandmother’s house and the rain pinging my bedroom window pushed aside those discouraging thoughts and feelings I experienced at the Grand Oaks. It wasn’t because I had regrets for what I did with Colt but the shame I might bring to Yakim if I failed. I should have experienced some sort of sorrow for Ari, who was completely clueless. He drove me home and now waited downstairs while I changed into something more comfortable. I also took a sleeping aid to help me sleep better tonight. I had under an hour before my drowsiness attacked. Hopefully Ari wouldn’t think me rude when I kicked him out.

  I laughed, the thunder outside loud enough to cover my outburst in case Ari questioned it. I wasn’t too loud, but the walls weren’t the best at sound proofing. If he ever found out what I had done, not only with Colt at the charity gala but stealing his computer files, and the ones from Father Chavis’ computer, he would run far away in disgust. I also wanted to call Yakim so he would tell me everything would be okay and I had done the right thing. Even if I didn’t believe him, I could pretend I did because he had never failed to protect me.

  But I was on my own for now. Even though the thirteen-hundred-dollar dress gave me power and self-assurance, wearing it in Grandmother’s house with the stains of my climax was insulting to her memory. The dress was in plastic in the bathroom where I had quickly sponged myself clean. It wouldn’t have been fair to Ari, either, to continue to wear the residual of my sexual release from Colt. I would donate the dress once I had it cleaned, erasing any proof. Only the memories would remain.

  Dressed in my black satin pajama set, I walked down the stairs, holding the banister as the sleeping pills began to work. When I reached the landing, I found Ari looking at the various pictures on the fireplace mantel of my family through the ages. Most were of me and Grandmother, but there were a few of Grandfather and my mother but mainly before I was born.

  He turned, holding my grandparents’ wedding picture. “Your grandmother was a beautiful bride.”

  I took the picture from him and swiped a finger down the glass. “She was so young when she married. Grandfather was, also. They weren’t even twenty-two. It’s a shame they didn’t live to see either their daughter or granddaughter marry.”

  “But your mother was engaged to your father.”

  I sat on the couch still in possession of the wedding picture, and Ari sat across from me in Grandfather’s favorite chair. It was so low his knees almost hit his chin. He didn’t complain or move to something more suitable. I would have invited him to join me, but I was afraid I would fall asleep.

  “They got engaged before he was shipped off to Afghanistan. Three months later, she told him she was pregnant, and then a week later he was killed by a bomb.”

  Lightning flashed behind the curtain window in the front. Ari winced and then shrugged. “You’d think with November around the corner, w
e would have snow instead of a thunderstorm.”

  “Maybe it’s global warning.” I placed the picture down and peered at the rest on the mantel. I had trouble focusing on them as my eyes grew heavy.

  “Are you feeling better now? You look exhausted.” He tried to lean forward but fell back because of the chair.

  “While I got dressed in my oh-so-sexy pj’s, I took a sleeping pill. Sometimes I take them when I have…” I sighed. “On the bright side, tonight’s event was considered a success.”

  “Over one million was raised. It’s more than was expected.” A slight scowl appeared on his usually composed face. “Senator Hahn has gone above and beyond and donated one-hundred thousand of his own money.”

  “You’re not a fan of the senator?” I was aware of what type of man he was because of his close proximity to Colt. He was well liked by his constitutes, which showed by his years of service as their senator, but Colt idolized him more than his father. Yakim hadn’t given me any warning about the senator, so he wasn’t a concern, although his travels, especially to certain areas of the globe, should have raised some questions on both sides of the aisle.

  “He’s too polished and says just the right things. But then again he’s a politician with decades of experience.” He lost the fight with the chair and fell back into it.

  “He’s what Colt will be in twenty years. But whereas his uncle is a confirmed bachelor, Colt will end up married with kids.” I lowered my head on my arm as I settled in the corner of the couch. “If Marina had lived, she and Colt would have had beautiful children.”

  He heaved up from the chair and sat next to me. “It’s the first time since you’ve been back I’ve hear you mention Marina by name.”

  “I think about her a lot.” I tucked a fluffy pillow under my cheek and curled my arms around my legs. No way I was going to make it up to my bed.

  He pulled my hair away from my cheek and pressed his palm on the side of my face. “I do, too. We would see each other in passing, but we rarely talked. I can’t remember the last time we hung out. It was probably high school. But then something weird happened. A week before she…um died, we saw one another at the supermarket of all places, and we had coffee and talked for a few hours like we used to do in school.” He patted my arm then shifted back. “We talked about you more than even Colt who she felt was going to ask her to marry him. Her prediction was right.” He cleared his throat and exhaled. “If only she could have foreseen her death.”

  I wanted to open my eyes, but they were stuck. She told him about Colt possibly asking her to marry him before telling me? I thought I was the first person she told. I felt behind me for the blanket to throw over my head. I wanted total darkness, to ignore all around me including Ari who’d announced a surprising bit of information that made things around me go off-center, and it wasn’t just because of the drugs in my system.

  But he saved me from expounding on any further revelations he kept. He rose from the couch and dropped the blanket on me. He wished me good night and kissed my cheek and left the same way he came when I had invited him in. I covered myself from head to toe, welcoming the gloom the wooly blanket provided and the drugged sleep that would help me forget my deception of this day.

  ###

  My locket with Grandmother’s ashes would go well with the silver sequin shift dress I would wear for Yakim’s thirtieth birthday party. If Grandmother had lived, she would have been proud of her only granddaughter’s success both professionally and personally. Pangs of sadness always came over me when I thought of her. But her strength and the love she showered me with from a young age to the day of her death would always remain with me.

  I kissed the locket and whispered her full name instead of saying I love you. Those three words didn’t really mean anything to me, unlike her name I said out loud from time to time so the universe knew she had existed. I drew the necklace over my head and nodded at my reflection in the three-way mirror. Yakim wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anyone else since I wore a water bra to make my chest larger. It was only one part of his birthday gift. He would receive the rest in private later.

  I found myself humming “Wo ist die Prinzessin?” from Salomé, the opera we attended last week, as I grabbed my clutch. He would pick me up momentarily since I was his date, which was always the case for any function I attended with him.

  My cell rang, and, as I reached for it, I froze. It was Marina. The last time she called was two years ago to tell me her mother died. Bracing for not-so-pleasant news, I answered the phone.

  “Hello, Marina. I hope you’re well.” I sounded like I was talking to an acquaintance rather than a close friend. Former close friend, I supposed, because it had been years since I saw her. The last time we saw one another in person was the summer in Sochi and her failed seduction attempt of Yakim.

  “Mercy P, you’ll never believe what I’m about to tell you! I’m getting married.”

  I sat on the bed as she squealed in joy. I always assumed she would marry before I did.

  “Who’s the lucky guy?”

  “Colt Hahn. Can you believe it?” Her squeal sounded like a fire alarm as she mentioned my worst nightmare.

  “Co-Colt?” Purple spots swarmed before my eyes.

  “Yes!” she exclaimed with the same amount of energy. “He’s going to be the mayor of Cartleigh. I’ll be a mayor’s wife!”

  I tried to speak, but words lodged in my throat. She chattered on about the diamond ring he gave her and what her plans were going to be for her upcoming wedding. I sat there in shock, frozen as a wave of horror overtook me. I hadn’t felt this way in such a long time. The last time I did was at the lake—

  “Marina,” I snapped, raising my voice to drown out the whistling in my ears.

  “Yeah?” She sounded out of sorts at my interrupting her. But when she mentioned something about me being a bridesmaid, I had to stop this madness.

  “Listen to me carefully. I have to tell you something important about your fi-fiancé.” I fisted the cover of the bed, ready to tear it. “But I can’t do it on the phone. I’m free this weekend and can fly to the States. Can you meet me in Manhattan, and we can—”

  “Wait. Why? What do you know about Colt you can’t tell me now?”

  Marrying that bastard would be the biggest mistake of her life. I wanted to slap myself for being completely clueless. She’d never mentioned him in any emails or texts. Was there a reason she waited until now to tell me and in such dramatic fashion?

  “You’re emotional right now, and—”

  “I’m emotional because I’m so happy. I’m marrying the man of my dreams. I’ve wanted Colt for so long, and now I have him!”

  She always had a crush on him when we were young, but I never realized she carried those feelings for him still. She had traveled the world, met all types of men who could offer her anything, but she settled on Colt. Goose bumps attacked my arms, and I started to shiver. What type of hold did he have over her?

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing him? Why are you telling me now, out of the blue, you’re going to marry him? Have you told anyone else?” I clutched a pillow to my chest, rocking.

  “We’re announcing it at a political event this weekend.”

  “What if…what if I buy you a plane ticket to Belarus where I’m staying? I need to see you as soon as humanly possible. You can’t tell anyone you’re marrying him.” I wiped spit away from my mouth with my arm, leaving a red stain from my lipstick behind.

  “Mercy, what the fuck? Are you on something?”

  I laughed. How I wish I were on some type of drug. I would rather be in some psychedelic LSD hallucination than this horrific nightmare. “I have to tell you something very important about the man you want to marry, but it has to be in person.”

  “You’re thousands of miles away, so you’ll have to tell me now. As much as I would love to come visit, I can’t.” Her annoyance echoed through the line.

  “Then I’ll come to you, b
ut you need to meet me in—”

  “Why can’t you come to Cartleigh? You never visit there. The last time you did, you didn’t tell me or stay there. You swept in with your sugar daddy and stole your grandma away. I found out she died a week later only because of the obit in the newspaper.” Her voice shook in anger. “Now, stop with the cryptic warning and tell me what the fuck you mean!”

  There were so many ways I wanted to correct her about Yakim and why she thought I stole Grandmother away. I couldn’t keep arguing with her because she might hang up. If she did, then I had to make a choice. Did I return into the hell I left all because of the evil man who had me first?

  “Marina, what I’m going to tell you will upset you, which is understandable, but you need to remain calm and listen. Are you alone?” What if Colt was nearby or even listening? A shudder encircled me in a vise as the idea rooted in my head.

  “I’m at my apartment.”

  “Okay. Good.” I exhaled on the pillow, hoping I didn’t end up sick. I hadn’t spoken about what Colt did to me since the summer after we graduated from high school, except with Grandmother. For some reason, this was ten times worse than that.

  “The reason I’m shaken up about your news on your upcoming nuptials with…” Saying his name made me stammer, almost causing my jaw to lock. “With the mayor because he did something horrible to me after we graduated high school.”

  “Are you still bitter all these years because Colt wouldn’t give you the time—”

  “No!” I slammed the pillow on the bed. “This isn’t about some stupid girlhood crush I had on him, like you, which you never outgrew. No one, not even you knew our senior year, we had a secret affair where most of the time I wrote his papers and gave him answers to tests so he would pass.”

  She exhaled long and deep. “And?”

  I dropped against the headboard and stared ahead as true fear came over me. “Remember the Saturday night at the lake after graduation? He…he raped me near the spot where…those huge rocks were. I was a virgin and he beat me and raped me!”