Shame of It All Page 17

  I think I said don’t hate me and I’m sorry, but it was a jumble.

  She put her hand on my head and stroked my hair. She always did it, especially when I needed it. She did it to calm me.

  I stayed like that until I stopped crying, and my legs became numb from kneeling. But I didn’t join Grandma on the sofa. I let her pet me, and shush me, and calm me as she said my name.

  “Explain to me. Everything.”

  She was blunt, which was her nature, but I always respected her authority. Not because she used fear but because she loved. She didn’t share her love with many, but she did with me. I couldn’t hide from her. I never meant to but wanted more time to figure out what I was going to do. But I wouldn’t do it alone. She would be there to help me. She would support me, but I couldn’t look at her. Shame kept me from seeing her face.

  “Colton Hahn got me pregnant. He raped me the night after graduation at the lake.”

  Her hand dropped on my head. Her fingers contracted and convulsed. I moved my hand on hers. She didn’t knock mine away.

  “He raped you.” She spoke with little emotion.

  “Do you believe me?” I wiped my runny nose and clutched her hand.

  She moved to the back of my head and squeezed. “Look at me.”

  I didn’t want to but had to. I lifted my head, the lamp lighting her face. Her eyes watered, and color returned to her cheeks.

  “Yes, of course I believe you.” She helped me sit next to her, squeezing both my hands in hers. “You should have come to me after it happened. Now we must decide on your future.”

  “My future?” I lowered my head and inhaled a few times. My nausea was relentless. It wouldn’t stop. I wanted it to stop.

  “You have two weeks left until you start college. You have to figure out what you want to do.”

  “What do I do?” I started to bend over. “Don’t you want to know the full story about me and—”

  “No. I don’t want to hear his name again.” She exhaled through her nose and her lips fell to a straight line. The side of her mouth twitched, something I’d never seen her do before. She usually kept her emotions in check, never had a loud outburst or over-the-top reactions. She was angry, maybe even raging.

  “O-okay.” My eyes stung, and I wanted to rub them to erase the itchiness. I actually felt itchy all over. It wasn’t necessarily from the heat but my anxiety that had grown each day since my attack.

  She kissed my hands and my forehead. She then got up and went to the back door and stared outside. “I need to know right now what you expect to do with your pregnancy. We must make plans.”

  She said we and not me. She was still on my side. “I want it gone.”

  “Do you want him gone, also?” She folded her hands behind her back. She was clutching them so tight they might break.

  “Gone as in…”

  “Murder.” She smiled, still facing ahead. “But it might be best to make him suffer. We’ll decide after we take care of the problem you have. I’ll make a call to a friend who’s a medical practitioner. She’ll fix you up before you go to college.”

  “Fix me up?” She acted so methodical and composed. Another example of how in control she was while I was dying inside.

  “Your body will be fixed, but your mind and emotional state is a different matter.” She unlocked the door and opened it. “I’m going for a dip in the lake.”

  “Why?” I stood, confused by her actions as she took off her nightgown and stretched.

  “The lake wants me to.” She stepped into the darkness, but for some reason her face was as clear to me as if it was daytime, and her eyes glowed.

  “Wake up, Mercy.” She vanished.

  ###

  I coughed, finding it hard to breathe, and opened my eyes. Something patted my back, and someone said my name in a soothing voice, a male voice. I blinked and focused on the person above me. Vance. He pushed aside my hair sticking to my face. I sat up, on some type of bed or couch, and rubbed my eyes. My mouth was dry, and my bottom lip throbbed. It was split and swollen.

  It took me some time to find my voice. My head hurt, also, and I was stiff and achy. Vance kept rubbing my head.

  “What time is it?” I almost lay back, but he supported me upright with his arm and gave me a bottle of water.

  “Almost midnight. I brought you to my office after you finished in the private room.”

  His office was like a hotel suite. It was far from the masculine colors and furniture I had expected. I drank the water down, letting him take stock of me. He wanted to make sure I was whole in body and mind for Yakim. If I had been damaged in any way, Yakim would be very displeased.

  He acted the same as earlier in the evening. Or he hid his nervousness well. He inspected my face with the back of his hand like a doctor would, and, when he flattened his palm on my chest near my heart, he paused, and then nodded. My heartbeat was normal.

  The terry cloth robe I wore reminded me of one I would wear at a day spa. I didn’t own one, and only wore one if it was Yakim’s. “Is this yours?”

  He drew my chin up with one finger and studied my face. “It’s a house one. Open your eyes wide for me.”

  I did what he requested, and he nodded, pleased. He stroked my chin with his thumb and then left me on the couch and went to make a drink at his personal bar near his desk.

  “Where are Terra and Colt? Still busy in the room?” I finished the water but was thirsty for more. I went to rise but became dizzy. I sat down to keep from falling to the floor.

  “She left after I took you from the room. Hahn is still resting there.” He turned and sipped his bottle. “It will be some time before he awakens.”

  “Neither one of us is in the right frame of mind to drive back to Cartleigh.” I should have anticipated it when we came here. The side effects of the vener mixed with my dinner, both liquid and solid, was intense. Next time I would stay away from absinthe. Unlike last time, I felt exhausted and sore. I ran through the last few hours in my head. It was a bit fuzzy, but I remembered what I did and what had been done to me. The only thing I couldn’t remember was how I got my sore lip.

  “I haven’t asked Terra yet, but do you know who gave you the sore lip and the bruises on your neck and chest?”

  “I have bruises?” I ran my hands over the area he indicated, but it didn’t feel sore.

  “In the next day or so you’re going to have some black and blues.” He downed his drink and whistled through his teeth.

  “If you’re worried about Yakim, don’t be. I—”

  “I am worried. Not just because of Yakim but you, and why you brought another man here to engage in sexual acts so you can blackmail him.” The glass he dropped on his desk made a loud snap. “I can’t understand why he allowed you to.”

  “He doesn’t own me. I do what I want.” I hugged myself, wishing for something stronger than water.

  His laugh didn’t have any humor to it. “It might be true, but you’re using his connections and the means available to you through Yakim. Why?”

  “There are too many reasons to list.”

  He leaned against his desk with his ankles crossed. “We have time to discuss them.”

  “I appreciate your willingness to help, but I don’t answer to you. Yakim is in your debt, and next time when you ask for Leona’s company, she’ll—”

  “Right now, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the fair Leona’s company. I’m concerned about the possible backlash on tonight’s events with Hahn.” The sudden anger peppering his tone made me want to hug myself harder. Not because it was explosive, but it hovered under the surface in a way that would knock you on your ass if he lost control.

  “There won’t be any backlash. I have made sure of it.” For the first time since I confronted Colt and acted out my revenge, I had some concerns on how this would all end. Colt wasn’t smart enough to go after me. He’d already stolen a piece of me, so there wasn’t much he could do to damage me more than he already had.
He could always kill me like I suspected he did with Marina, but then his entire life would be over because of his actions, and not from mine.

  “You don’t know that. You may have the backing of Yakim and his family, but nothing is certain, especially when it centers around a man like Colt who has some powerful influence behind him.” He came back to kneel on one knee in front of me. “You had to do your research on his uncle like I did before I agreed to this scheme.”

  “It’s not a scheme.” I pronounced each word slowly to keep from becoming overly emotional. “And yes, I know all about the senator. You won’t be implicated in any—”

  “I sure as hell won’t be.” He drew his fingers through his chocolate-brown high pompadour and sighed. “I hope you considered every outcome because there will be a ripple effect that may make life difficult for others.”

  I knew all about the lasting effects of one’s action. I wanted to throw out how much of an expert I was about it, but it would leave me too open. I wasn’t at my best right now because of the narcotic in my system. Only Yakim was allowed to see me in my most fragile state. Instead of continuing to argue with Vance, I shut down.

  “I have to figure a way to get back to Cartleigh with Colt. Does your hospitality extend to transportation home?” I would have loved to fall asleep and deal with it in the morning, but I really didn’t want to see Colt in the cold light of the morning after today’s fun and games.

  “I’ll check on him and see if he’ll let one of my employees drive you back. I have a few on staff who would volunteer to drive the Porsche.” He returned to his desk and picked up one of the three cell phones there.

  “You don’t want to drive us back?” I had no idea if he liked flashy cars. But it wouldn’t be surprising if he did.

  “I’ve driven a Porsche before. I prefer something less showy.” He turned away from me as he spoke into his cell. A dismissal.

  I didn’t care if he was disgusted by my actions. His opinion didn’t matter. Like many I engaged with for this operation, he was a means to an end, as harsh as it sounded. But I had to remain detached, emotionally removed by what I had done and with whom. But I wasn’t finished yet even though I was closer to winning than before because Colt was too weak. He was such an easy victim, like he thought I was when we were children. But now the tables were turned, and it made me giddy with relief.

  How I wanted to break down and laugh until it hurt my stomach. But Vance would notice such an outburst, and he would tell Yakim who was the only one to make me stop. I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop, not until the bitter end where there would be nothing left of Colt other than a hollowed-out husk of his former self.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  “I have to go to Washington for a few days. I won’t be in Cartleigh for Thanksgiving.”

  I pumped my fist in the air. With Colt away, I would finally get some much needed rest. Since the night in Manhattan, two weeks ago, he had been relentless with fucking me. He couldn’t keep his hands off me. It wasn’t necessarily unexpected, but his sexual appetite was ferocious.

  “Away from the family? Won’t it be lonely for you?” I added some sympathy to my voice.

  “I’m staying with Uncle Sam, and my parents are coming for a few days. I’ll be surrounded by family.”

  He never thought to ask me to join him.

  “It should be a great time.” He breathed heavily as he waited for me to respond. Instead, I took my time huffing air on the kitchen window facing the back porch and drew on the fog I left behind.

  “Mercy?” He cleared his throat.

  “You want me to ask why you didn’t invite me along?” I finished tracing a frowning face and a line running through it.

  “You mentioned you would be working on Friday and the weekend, so…” He didn’t bother to finish his sentence.

  It was true because I wanted to stay busy. Since living in Europe, I hadn’t celebrated the holiday. The last time I did was when Grandmother visited my senior year at Amherst.

  “What we’re doing together doesn’t mean I expect to spend the holidays with your family and visa-versa.” I wiped away my window tracing and opened the door to the back porch.

  “Doing together? It’s a strange way to say we’re having an affair.”

  I wanted to laugh at him. We were only fucking. An affair meant feelings were involved. If he was entertaining any type of feelings for me, he would be in for a rude awakening. But let him believe we were having more than a physical relationship if it would help him rest easier.

  “You think we’re having an affair?” I walked outside and breathed in the crisp afternoon air. The lake was serene with the changing leaves on the trees nearby and the ones covering the mountain.

  A muffled voice called his name. He told them he was finishing his call, and then there was a bang behind him. “Agnes was telling me my final appointment of the day arrived. I need to go. But when I return from DC, I’ll have you over to the house, and I’ll cook dinner again. Sound good?”

  “Lovely.” I wouldn’t be surprised if Agnes tagged along with him to DC. Maybe he would keep busy in other ways, make her fantasy a reality, and take her virginity. Not that I knew if she was a virgin or not, but her devotion to Colt made me think she wanted him to be her first.

  “Don’t miss me too much. It’s only for a few days.” He didn’t sound too apologetic, but I would play along.

  “I can handle a few days by myself. Give Agnes my regards. I bet she’s excited to be in DC with you for Thanksgiving. Buh-bye.” I ended the call before he did. Let him stew on me assuming his assistant would be with him in DC. If he thought I was jealous of her, the better for me because he would believe I was emotionally invested in him.

  My cable-knit sweater was warm enough as I strolled along the bank of the lake. I stopped a few houses down when I caught Ari walking Herriot on the other side. Usually he walked on this side, but maybe he wanted a change in scenery. The last time we talked was the day after the charity gala and by phone. We hadn’t talked since then or seen each other. I did enjoy his company, and I didn’t think he was ignoring me on purpose, but either he was busy at work, or I wasn’t giving him the right signals.

  Curious as to his reaction, I texted him—I spy with my little eye, you and Herriot walking on the other side of the lake.

  Soon after he checked his cell and he glanced up. He waved when he saw me. He then texted back—I was on my way back from picking up some things for my mom’s birthday tonight, and Herriot had to take care of his business.

  Hm, he was having a party for his mother but hadn’t thought to invite me. I sighed at being denied a second time by another man who may or may not have an interest in me.

  Happy birthday to your mom. Is her party a surprise?

  No. My sister is hosting it at her house, mainly with Mom and Dad’s friends. It should be fun.

  I tapped the side of my phone wondering what to text back, or if I should just call him. I could have asked about his Thanksgiving plans or if he wanted to do something this weekend. Maybe I would ask him on Friday, but for now I welcomed the solitude.

  Hope you have a great time, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I’ll text or call you on Friday to see if you’re free this weekend to catch up.

  He started texting me back but then stopped and held his phone to his ear. He must have received a call.

  My fingertips had grown numb, along with my toes. I went back to my house, leaving him behind. I would welcome the warmth my house provided. The bottle of Bordeaux I had yet to open waited for me to drink.

  I entered the same way I had left—through the porch and to the kitchen. I snagged the bottle but then paused at the change in the air, something subtle but just enough to feel another presence inside. I cautiously entered the living room, holding the bottle by the neck in case I had to defend myself. A whoosh of relief left me when I spotted Yakim sitting in Grandmother’s favorite chair.

  I dropped the wine on the floor and ran to
him. He jumped up from his seat and enveloped me in a hug. I was overcome with happiness.

  ###

  “You’ll have to reschedule your plans with your Ari now that I’m here.” Yakim scrolled through my text messages, sitting next to me while I took a bubble bath he drew for me.

  “He’s not my Ari.” I sipped my third glass of wine, feeling tipsy. But I liked this type of tipsy because it was with Yakim who had given me the best surprise for Thanksgiving by being here.

  “The man is a fool for not inviting you to his mother’s party.” He drank his vodka gimlet and set aside my cell to twirl a piece of my hair around his finger. “I’m going to wash your hair and your body and then make love to you before I take you out to dinner.”

  I sank into the water to my chin. “It’s been too long since I’ve made love.”

  “Hahn doesn’t count?” He tugged on the hair.

  The tone of his voice hadn’t changed, but I could tell he wasn’t just asking because he was curious. He had never acted jealous before, but I didn’t think it was concern. If he thought I might fall in love with Colt, then it would lead to a different conversation altogether.

  I finished my wine and curled my fist around his wrist. His pulse remained steady, just like always. It made me smile and I lifted my leg in the air, watching the bubbles disappear from my skin. “The only man I have ever made love to is you. That won’t ever change.”

  “I had to ask.” He kissed the side of my hand and linked my fingers with his. “When Vance called me after you and Hahn left, he raised some concerns for your well-being.”

  Of course he would. Vance wanted to remain in Yakim’s good graces like he had for years. Perhaps he was really a good friend to Yakim. Perhaps he did care for me. Or maybe it was his way to get to Leona for the long term other than a twenty-four-hour period.