Shame of It All Read online

  “You’re giving me a reward because I said what you wanted to finally hear?” I took the keys, almost giddy. I’d never driven a Porsche 911.

  “Your pupils are dilated, and your nipples are hard.” He leaned down to kiss me.

  I blocked him by pressing the keys to his mouth. “I’m excited to drive, not because I want your body. You’ll have to wait.” I bopped him lightly on the nose with the keys and climbed into the driver’s seat.

  He didn’t immediately follow even as the rain fell harder. When it thundered again and lightning flashed, he got in the other side. I inserted the key in the ignition, and, closing my eyes, I caressed the smooth leather steering wheel.

  “I want to spend the night with you.” He dropped his hand on my thigh.

  I gripped the steering wheel, annoyed he inserted himself in my short fantasy of driving alone in his Porsche on the highway without having to worry about the outside world.

  “We will spend the night together, but not in the way you want.”

  He pulled up my skirt to my thigh and traced my knee with his fingernail. “You want to go to a hotel?”

  Strange he didn’t recommend a charge-by-the-hour motel on the side of the interstate. It would make sense if we did because of the seedy nature of our current transaction. I refused to call what we had a relationship. “I have something else in mind. Are you open for an adventure? Something that will rock your world?” I turned on the ignition. The purring of the engine helped me get excited again, which would ease his mind, especially if he thought I was aroused because of him.

  He massaged my leg, moving upward. “As long as we’re back by midnight, I’m game for anything. I have an early breakfast meeting tomorrow with the sanitation supervisor.”

  How boring and responsible on his part. But his self-imposed curfew would be forgotten when he was in the throes of the debauchery I had planned for him.

  “Of course.” I let him play with me while I drove us to our next escapade that would soon become a memory he would wish he could replace once I finished with him.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “How much is dinner going to cost me?” Colt hung his arm on the back of my chair. He had become very possessive since we entered Victus, one of the most exclusive restaurants in Manhattan. His strange reaction might have been due to Vance, the owner of the establishment that also included a clandestine club below. Both men and women stopped in their tracks because he was so fine. He was like a work of art, or so Leona mentioned when she first met him. And for someone who rarely smiled unless she had to, she smiled in truth after she spent a night with him. Only another man gave her true joy. But Maks was generous with Leona and let her be with Vance for one night as a reward for pleasing him in some matter.

  I had yet to experience Colt’s jealousy, but for some reason Vance brought it out in him. Perhaps he felt inferior to the other patrons who oozed privilege. I wasn’t that immune to Vance. I might welcome his advances if he offered. But in actuality, neither of us would do so out of respect for Yakim.

  I sipped my absinthe cocktail, allowing it to loosen my inhibitions. I had to be accommodating for dessert. I needed Colt to feel the same.

  I wasn’t skilled at caressing a man’s ego, but it wouldn’t take much to pacify Colt. His moodiness was at odds with his body. He ate and drank his fill and had become more amorous with his touches under the table, while I did the same to placate him. I should have been on edge because this playacting as a couple was nauseating. But the absinthe helped a great deal.

  Vance surveyed the room from the bar but when his eyes met mine, he nodded. I did the same and mouthed, I’m ready. He took out his cell and made a call.

  Colt squeezed my shoulder harder than I liked, and I turned my attention to him. “Dinner is on the house. Vance is an associate of my employer. You don’t have to worry about a thing.” I stroked his arm. “He’ll take good care of us.”

  “We could have had dinner closer to Cartleigh.” He finished his cognac and continued to brood.

  “You don’t like it here?” I scanned the room. The clientele was a privileged group who could afford things the majority of society couldn’t. Unless one was used to this environment, it could be daunting. Colt tried his best to act like the rest in the room, but he failed. His misgiving was on display, and it gave me great joy to see him suffer up close.

  “It’s…nice.” He hugged me close and kissed under my ear. “Have you and this Vance guy fucked before?”

  I flattened my palm on his stomach when I wanted to scour his chest with my nails. His crudeness increased with his drinking.

  “Never. And please don’t ask if I would be interested in having sex with him. We both know he’s extremely attractive and rich, so to stop you from pitching a fit, it would be best to refrain from this discussion.” I checked for our server to order more drinks. Maybe if he had another cognac, but with some sedative mixed in, he would stop acting like a spoiled brat.

  “Did you enjoy dinner?” Vance had come up behind us without any announcement. Most likely he did it on purpose, even going as far to lean in close as he spread his arm on the back of mine and Colt’s chairs.

  I would have hugged and kissed him if I was with Yakim, but I didn’t want Colt’s jealousy to manifest any more.

  “It was amazing like always.” I ran my fingers up Colt’s arm and smiled. “Wouldn’t you agree, Colt?”

  “Yeah, the courses were incredible.” He wasn’t as defensive as I expected, and when Vance held out his hand, Colt shook it.

  “Only the best for a friend of Mercy, and a government official.” Vance tapped my shoulder.

  “You know who I am?” Colt asked in surprise.

  “Mercy told me. I want to know who my VIP guests are.” He clapped Colt on the back. Colt’s usually smug expression had returned.

  I kept my hand on Colt as I stared up at Vance. He squeezed my shoulder to signal for me to tell him what our next step should be.

  “I was discussing dessert with Colt but have yet to tell him the options.” I would have continued to stare at Vance because he had such a pleasing face, but Colt needed my attention.

  “She has a thing for dessert all of a sudden,” Colt snorted.

  “There are two dessert menus. One for public consumption here, the other for special guests who prefer privacy when they partake in them.” Vance rose to his full height and waved over one of the hostesses who wore a black spaghetti strap bandage dress and her hair up in a tight bun. “Terra will escort you to the lower level where there’s an array of delicacies not found on the normal Victus menu.”

  “Why do I have a feeling this menu doesn’t just have cheesecake and coffee.” Colt looked at me for confirmation.

  “It’s my gift to you. Hopefully you’ll share with me.” The secret dessert menu came at a hefty price, but one Yakim and his family and business associates could afford. I had a feeling Vance would put this experience on the house as well. I would have to make sure to leave a good tip.

  “I guess we can’t really discuss the menu in the open?” Colt pulled out his chair to stand.

  Vance helped me rise while Terra took Colt’s arm and led him toward the elevator in the back as Vance escorted me behind them. Terra engaged Colt in conversation. He did glance behind to check on me. I nodded at him to proceed and permitted Vance to curl his arm around my waist.

  “You’re sure you want to do this?” He spoke an octave lower, not quite a whisper but quietly enough only I would hear. “I can’t believe Yakim would allow it.”

  “If you’re worried he’ll be upset with you, don’t be. There’s a reason he’s letting me do this with Colt.” I patted his hand on my hip. “He can explain better than I can.”

  “But you won’t tell me.” He sounded resigned but also disappointed. There was a reason Yakim liked Vance so much and treated him like a brother. He might have some shady connections and acted questionably when it came to business, but he did have compassion f
or those he trusted.

  “It’s better if you’re in the dark. The less you know the better.” Colt and Terra entered the open elevator. I broke away from Vance before he cajoled answers from me. He sidled up to Colt, who pulled me into a one-arm embrace, leaving Vance to stand in front of us as he pressed the button to the lower level.

  “If you have any questions, ask Terra. She’ll be your guide. Also, to reiterate, if Mercy hasn’t, you’re allowed carte blanche during the next two hours.” Vance spoke as if reciting from memory before. “But keep in mind whatever delicacies you sample are at my discretion. You might not see me, but I will see you.” He turned to us as the car stopped. “I’m always watching.”

  When the doors opened, Vance and Terra exited. I started to follow, but Colt caught me by the arm and lowered his mouth to my ear. “What the hell is he talking about?”

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about. We can stop whenever you want.” I ran my fingers down the side of his face and smiled.

  “Where are you taking me?” He glanced ahead even though he couldn’t see anything yet.

  “I wanted to share a small piece of the world I’m used to. It will help you understand why I was open to your…affections, and why I don’t have an issue fucking around with you at a church or on the hood of your car.” I tugged him forward. “It will be fun for both of us. Do you trust me?”

  For a politician, Colt had a hard time hiding his emotions. Or maybe he had difficulty because it was me. I had taken him out of his comfort zone and away from his territory where he was the ruler. If I were in his shoes, I would be skeptical. It defied all logic that a rapist’s victim not only would engage in a sexual relationship but convince him to enter a secret sex club where they wouldn’t just watch but participate with others in private rooms.

  He led me out of the elevator instead of me showing him the way. Vance vanished, but Terra waited. She directed us to follow her down the darkened hallway where spa-like music filtered from the speakers.

  “Mr. Van Wyk told me you wanted a private room. Do you want me to take you on a tour in case you would like to add anything to your experience?” she asked.

  “For now, it’s best if you take us to the room I reserved.” I rubbed Colt’s stiff back.

  “Relax,” I told him as we continued walking past doors with bronze numbers on them.

  “This is a sex club, isn’t it?” he asked.

  Terra shot him an amused glance over her shoulder. “Mr. Van Wyk doesn’t like to use the term, but some would say it’s comparable. We specialize in sexual fantasies for those who prefer discretion.”

  “How did you know I would want to do something like this with you?” He paused or rather froze in his tracks. Terra faced us but kept quiet. I waved her ahead, and she walked a few steps ahead to unlock a door.

  “I’m different from the girl you knew in high school. I want to show you what I like.” I swept his bangs aside and kissed him. “If you understand my…hobbies like Terra said, then you’ll figure out why I let you have sex with me and actually like it with you.”

  “Do the Zeldoviches know this about you?” He curled his fingers around my arm as he stared at me. If he had been Yakim, or maybe even Vance, he would have cupped my cheek tenderly or kissed my forehead to lend comfort.

  “The Zeldovich brothers have been here before. It’s obvious you enjoy sex and have an interest in the kinkier side of the act. Don’t you want to think outside the box with me?” I ran my tongue on the seam of his lips and cupped his dick.

  He hardened under my touch. His reaction made me smile. I caught Terra still waiting at the door, and mouthed, yes. With a wink, she opened the door and entered.

  He did a combination huff-laugh and twined a lock of my hair. “If we go into one of these rooms, everything changes for us.”

  “That’s the plan.” I tugged on his hand, despite the sting. After a few beats, he let it go, and before I led the way, he did instead.

  He hurried into the room and shut the door once I entered. The room didn’t scream sexual depravity. It was welcoming with not only a bed but plush couches and a sound system. In the corner was a bar stocked with alcohol, as well as a glass refrigerator with water and nonalcoholic drinks. Terra stood behind it still looking very much the professional even in her revealing, use-me-for-sex dress.

  “Would either of you be interested in a drink or something in pill form? I also have a variety of narcotics,” she said.

  “Booze and drugs?” Colt circled the room and eyed the mirrored ceiling.

  I went to the bar and set my purse down. “Do you have a vener?”

  “Yes.” She brought out a box and opened it, showing a variety of different colored pills.

  I took two white pills and accepted a bottle of water and sat on a chaise lounge. Colt remained standing as I held out my palm with the pill.

  “These are known as vener. It’s an aphrodisiac that lasts for two to three hours and will make you orgasm in ways you’ll never imagine. The side effects are minimal, other than prolonged horniness. Want to try?”

  He rubbed his face and sighed. “Why would you want to take a pill?”

  “Because I have before and it blew my mind. Right, Terra?”

  She left the bar and joined me on the couch. I swallowed a pill and sipped the water. I left the other pill with the bottle on the table for Colt. He just stared. I settled back into the cushions and smiled at Terra. “Do you always keep your hair up?”

  “To keep it out of the way unless a guest requests me to take it down.” She smiled at Colt. “Would you like me to take my hair down, Mr. Hahn?”

  He cleared his throat. “I don’t care what you do.”

  I giggled as the vener took effect. “He’s shy. But I’m not.” I leaned up, threaded my hands in her hair, and kissed her.

  She opened her mouth, and I slipped my tongue inside. I ate at her mouth and pulled on her hair as I knelt over her. She fell back as I landed on top of her. Colt cursed more than once as I took apart Terra’s updo while kissing her. When I needed to catch my breath and stop the dizziness in my head, I closed my eyes and lay on her while she ran her fingers along my back.

  “You like chicks, also?” Colt asked, much closer than before.

  I opened my eyes to find him sitting in front of me. He had the bottle of water and the pill. I waved at him. “Take a walk on the wild side with me.” I then lifted up over Terra, my head dangling, her mouth so tempting to try again. “Help me get naked so I can show Mr. Hahn what I want from him.”

  “Shit, this is.” He stared at the white pill and then at me and Terra.

  “He still needs convincing.” I kissed Terra and then lay back. She undressed me slowly while leaving kisses on exposed skin. It gave Colt time to decide whether to take the pill and let his inhibitions run wild.

  When I was naked, Terra undressed and then knelt before me, petting my stomach and legs. When she dipped her head between my thighs, Colt swallowed the pill and finished the water in the bottle. I tucked my knees to my chest to give her better access and to give him a show.

  ###

  I would need another shower after sitting on the patio. It was my fault, like usual, for not putting on the fan even though it wouldn’t have done much to combat the heat. It had to be the hottest night in August on record. Or maybe stress was responsible for my constant sweating.

  It didn’t really matter if I ended up with heatstroke. Maybe if I did, it would get rid of the blip inside me. I only thought of it as a blip because if I considered it alive, there was no way I wouldn’t have some sort of breakdown. The idea I was pregnant wrecked me.

  I couldn’t stop shaking and hadn’t since I took the pregnancy test right before bed. So stupid. What person would take that type of test and then go to sleep without a care in the world? I was so screwed.

  “Mercy?” Grandma stood in the doorway, still in the dark, but her purple tricot nightgown appeared to glow.

  I squeaked or s
obbed. Whatever came from me didn’t sound human. I cried so much, it hurt from my head to my feet.

  She turned on the overhead light, blinding me.

  “Turn it off.” I covered my eyes with my arm, more to hide my tears.

  “What’s wrong? Why are you out here and not in bed?” She sat next to me on the rattan sofa, fanning her face. “It’s so hot out here.”

  “Something horrible has happened.” I wiped my eyes and sniffed, staring out the door. It was too dark. I could almost believe if I opened the door and walked out, I would free-fall into some abyss.

  She cupped the back of my head and pressed down. I flinched from the stiffness there and moaned. Tucking my knees to my chest, I hid my face in them and cried.

  “Mercy, you’re worrying me. What’s wrong?” She slung her arm around my shoulders.

  I turned my head toward her chest. The scent of White Diamonds brushed my face. She always smelled of flowers but more so now because of her bath before bedtime. “I should have told you after it happened but I was scared…ashamed.” I let loose a wail and sobbed so hard, acid flew up my throat.

  I pulled away before I puked on her and jumped up from the sofa. I backed away with my arms crossed, ready to run out of the house once I told her or she saw the pregnancy test on the side table.

  She lifted her hand to me and rose but then saw the test. She turned on the lamp on the table next to the sofa and lifted the plastic stick. The usually rosy color in her cheeks vanished soon after, and her eyes widened in disbelief.

  “This is your test?” She stared at the stick in confusion and wonder.

  “Yes. I think I’m five or six weeks pregnant.” I rocked, unable to stay still.

  “Who’s the father?”

  I squeezed myself harder, refusing to rub my stomach. Inside something twitched, or maybe it was a flutter. It made me want to throw up even more, and instead of blurting out his name, I dropped to my knees in front her. I clutched her legs and cried in them.