Shame of It All Read online

  “We all mourned Colt’s loss.” Her eyes brightened. Was she really going to cry? I wanted to find out as much information as possible since she was a fountain of it, but if she started slobbering over two people who never gave a shit about her, I might lose it. I never overreacted in public or showed others how I was really feeling. It would give them too much power over me. I needed to come up with an excuse before she embarrassed herself.

  One of the employees called her name, saying a distributor was on the phone. Grabbing the edge of the table, she rose from her seat and did some strange squatting.

  “If I sit too long, my legs fall asleep,” she explained, and I also stood.

  “It was good to catch up. We’ll have to do it again soon.” I moved toward the middle of the room to escape any sudden embraces. She stepped toward the counter. “Get whatever you like. It’s my welcome home gift to you.”

  “How nice of you. I’ll try and stop in again soon.” I’d remain friendly in case I needed more information from her.

  She didn’t offer her phone number, and neither did I. Cartleigh was small enough to bump into one another. Colt was the one I would make contact with and keep it going until I ended it.

  Ruby answered the phone and waved. I sent her one back. I would buy something small to eat on my walk to check out St. Anthony’s. Not used to eating sweets, having a scone or a brownie was unappealing. But I had a part to play, even if it was only for Colt’s benefit. As I inspected the menu again, something wet and cold brushed my knee. A golden retriever sniffed my leg.

  “Harriet! You can’t lick strangers.” A man I never thought I would see again spoke behind me.

  I patted the dog on the head and faced Ari Cobb, my former friend and date to the senior prom.

  “Mercy?” He stared at me with a confused expression.

  “In the flesh.” I held out my hand. “It’s good to see you, Ari.” I meant it.

  He shook my hand in a firm grip while keeping eye contact. His palm was rough and not as smooth as it had been when he was seventeen. His hair was still the shade of almonds, although there was some premature gray intertwined on the sides and in his bangs. A nice amount of scruff on his face, giving him a rugged appeal. But the compassion he was known for was still in his eyes and in his smile, which he probably did a lot of based on the lines around his mouth.

  “How long has it been? Twenty years?” He kept my hand in his, as if he claimed me. From what I remembered, he wasn’t the possessive type, so it didn’t make me defensive.

  “The last time we saw one another was the Saturday after graduation.” I curled my other hand around his and squeezed, hoping he recognized the signal to release me. I would have given him a verbal cue as I sometimes did with people, but it might lead to some awkwardness between us, especially when I welcomed his hugs when were kids.

  He took the hint and released me even though his arms didn’t drop to his sides right away. Maybe he wanted to hold me, to confirm I was real? As much as it was a friendly encounter, I couldn’t let him go that far with the familiarity because any emotional attachments would ruin my best-laid plans.

  His dog squirmed in between us, tail slapping my leg. “Is this Apollo 2.0 but a she with the name of Harriet?” I patted the top of the dog’s head.

  Ari’s brown eyes lit up. He still exuded the sincerity I had always been drawn to as a teen. It should be strange he still carried this trait as a grown man, but it was endearing.

  “Apollo died a few years after I graduated from college.” He bent down to his knee to give his dog a rub. “His name sounds like Harriet but replace the E with an O. He’s named after the famous British veterinarian author, James Herriot, and he’s nine.”

  While he spoke fondly about his dog, I noticed he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Of course, it didn’t mean he wasn’t dating or in a committed relationship with a woman. The idea he might be with a man was laughable. But then again, I was completely different from when he knew me last, so the same rules might apply to him.

  “Does Herriot have a mommy in his life or another daddy?” I slipped a teasing inflection in my tone so not to insult him.

  Surprisingly his face didn’t turn a shade of red, or he didn’t avert my gaze at my intrusive question. “I’m single, and I still prefer women. How about you?”

  “Men when I have free time, which hasn’t been the case because of my work.” He could press me for an answer if he wanted to, but I would hate to lie.

  “Let me guess, you’re here on behalf of Alzmeya?” He rose to his full six-foot height.

  “Yes, I’m here until the new year to assist with the final negotiations. I’m staying at my grandparents’ house. I guess it’s mine now.” I would always think of the lake house as my grandparents even though I had grown up in the house since I was five.

  “I live three blocks away. I bought a house there five years ago. Herriot likes to take walks around the lake, so don’t be surprised if we stop by and say hello.” His assurance I would welcome him and his dog should have annoyed me, but since this was Ari, I didn’t feel anything other than pleasure at what sounded like a promise.

  “It would be nice to catch up when we have more time.” I checked my watch. As much as I enjoyed seeing Ari again, I still needed time to adjust to my first official day in Cartleigh. The way he almost invaded my space and how his body hummed with excitement at our reunion was all the proof I needed that he would seek me out again.

  “We take early morning pre-work walks and post-work sunset walks,” Ari said, and Herriot, tail wagging, sat on his haunches.

  “I’ll make sure to stock the dog biscuits.” I checked my cell for any texts, my way to finish the conversation or at least keep from agreeing to a specific date and time. The earliest would be next week after I made contact with Colt.

  “Sounds good. I’ll let you go.” He moved to the side. I expected him to hug me again or kiss me. He didn’t, which made me relax even more.

  “Take care, Ari. It was great seeing you.” I started to walk toward the exit, only to stop as people entered. I glanced behind to see him watching me.

  “Yes?” I asked.

  “Since you didn’t ask, I’m a vet. I took over my grandfather’s practice here four years ago when he retired. I’ll give you the nickel tour soon.” His statement was definitely a promise.

  I could have stayed and had coffee with him. It would make sense to do so as old friends who had been separated for so long. But I must concentrate on the here and now and the destruction I would leave in my wake.

  Pushing aside the growing need, no, the gnawing to stay in his company and forget the promises I made to myself, I waved goodbye and jogged toward St. Anthony’s where tomorrow I would meet the devil for the first time since he stole my innocence.

  ###

  I had just left Ari outside the library after he confirmed the time he would pick me up at my house for senior prom. He came to my rescue since Colt would take Karine like he did to junior prom. Marina was going with one of the football players. But good old reliable Ari asked me to be his date since I didn’t have one. I said yes to him because I was dying to go to prom and wanted to show the off-the-shoulder navy-blue gown I’d bought months ago. I’d really thought Colt would ask me, especially since he was off again with Karine, and I was more than just his personal tutor since winter break.

  If Colt thought I would give up my virginity to him now, he would be disappointed. As long as he was with Karine, even when they were on a break à la Ross and Rachel from Friends, I could never be with him in the open. Maybe I should sleep with Ari on prom weekend. He wouldn’t screw me over like Colt had on many occasions. He might even be open to it since we were good friends.

  I always ended up at the school library before final period and my sociology class. Colt was in the same class. For the first time, I thought about ditching class. Seeing him for an entire hour when I wanted to slap him was not my idea of fun. Hiding in the library before clas
s was a great idea since he was putting the finishing touches on our yearbook and had to write a goodbye message as the senior class president.

  Not many students hung out at the library since it was nice outside. Most would be on the quad relaxing under a tree or near the track and field. I would pretty much have the library to myself for the next thirty minutes, with only the librarian who dozed at the front desk.

  After walking up the second level, I made my way to one of the study rooms where I would think of various ways I could wipe Colt’s usual shit-eating grin off his face. As I considered some scenarios in my head, including one, dealing with flattening the tires on his precious Range Rover, the subject of my anger jumped out from one of the stacks.

  “Colton, what th—” He grabbed my arm, drew me against the wall, and kissed me full on with lips and tongue.

  I should have fought him, but his soul-crushing kisses made me melt. He was the first guy I ever kissed, and one who kissed too well for his age. He had a lot of practice, and he proved it by the way he moved his mouth on mine or how he touched me in all the right places. His jean-covered crotch rubbed in between my legs, the friction more intense than usual because I wore a skirt. His fingers moved from my waist to slip under my skirt and stroked in between my legs where I was extremely sensitive.

  As I gasped for air, he broke the kiss and, his blunt nails left scratches in my thighs, evidence he had been with me. But no one would know he was responsible unless I told them, But who would believe it if I did?

  “Why are you going to prom with Ari Cobb?” He pressed his nose to my cheek while he tugged at my underwear.

  “Why are you going to the prom with Karine Yeaton?” I countered, dragging my fingers through his hair.

  He shook his head to dislodge my hands. “Fold your arms behind your back, and I’ll make it up to you for not bringing you to prom.”

  “I’m not giving you a blow job in the school library.” I pushed at his chest but then stopped as he finished pulling my underwear down to my knees and cupped me between my legs.

  “If you promise you won’t have sex with Cobb, I’ll give you something nice before graduation.” He slipped his thumb deep inside me.

  I closed my eyes as I responded to him. He expected me to promise him, but he wouldn’t do the same for me. But if I did, he would give me a reward, something sexually gratifying when things were in his favor like the essays I helped him write for college admission. He was still waiting to hear from his dream school, but since he was a legacy, it was a given he would get in. He had no idea I’d applied to Amherst, also. If we both got in, then maybe we would be out in the open away from Cartleigh’s cruel grip.

  “If I promise, you have to get on your knees instead of me for a change.” I drew my arms behind me. My underwear dropped to my ankles, and I stepped out of them.

  He leaned in to kiss me but stopped when he was only a breath away. “Promise.”

  “I promise.” I went to kiss him, but he turned my face away and sank to his knees. I lifted my skirt to give him access. As he got down to business, my breath clogged, not just from my body reacting to Colt’s mouth and tongue in between my legs but at the security camera aimed at us.

  The light on the camera blinked, and a siren went off like a fire alarm as my body tightened and I climaxed.

  I arched up in bed, shaking from an orgasm as my cell phone alarm blasted. I drew a pillow between my legs and humped it, not only staining the pillowcase but the sheet under me. I landed on my side as my legs and feet twitched from the fading pleasure. Damn it. I hoped it wasn’t a sign of things to come for me and Colt today. It should worry me because this wasn’t as simple as an erotic dream of my rapist. It was more of a memory because most of what happened in the school library was true. But what disturbed me was the past mingled with fantasy. If I told Yakim what was occurring, he would make me abort my mission. I had to stay in control at all times and not lose myself. I had to take down Colt whatever the cost.

  I climbed out of bed and drew aside the curtains. Pressing my palm to the glass, I was pleased it was cool, erasing the heat from the summer. As the humming of my climax vanished, I stretched my arms over my head, deciding if I should press my naked body to the glass, to soak in the cold to harden my resolve at finally meeting Colt in a place of worship. I had to stay cold so the flames inside didn’t burn me to ash.

  CHAPTER THREE

  St. Anthony’s church had been a landmark in Cartleigh and the surrounding counties for over 150 years. My grandparents were agnostic for the most part, although they did celebrate Christmas and Easter. I never knew my father’s parents’ religion since they died before I was born. But I appreciated the architecture of various places of worship and even the ceremonies. Like Yakim, I saw religion from a theological standpoint. But I would embrace my Catholic roots, and since Colt and his parents attended Mass on Sundays, I would, too.

  I arrived twenty minutes before the 9:00 a.m. Mass to sit up front in order to get a good look at Colt. Based on my research, he and his parents always sat in the second row in the middle. I sat in the second row off to the left side. Prime viewing for me and the Hahns. Colt would notice me right away. I would play demure to begin with, concentrating on the readings and the songs, singing loud enough for people to notice. My goal was to join the choir.

  As people entered, I patted myself on my back for choosing my outfit accordingly. I had pulled my hair into a French braid and wore minimal makeup with the exception of lip gloss that would make my lips kissable. The daisy-print tea dress and slip-on peep-toe flats I wore rounded out my wholesome look. But my bra was padded and a half a size larger than I usually wore. I embraced the angel and whore motif well. It would be up to the person to decide what role I had chosen.

  Most nodded and said hello as they sat in the pew. I smiled in return and welcomed their greetings. The organist started playing, and in the far-right corner, a mix of men and women in maroon robes, around fifteen in total lined up behind the organ. My cell phone vibrated with a text. I took it out of my skirt pocket carefully so no one would notice. Yakim texted a fire emoji since he knew what my plans were for today. I decided to be respectful and powered off my phone. A voice from my past, although somewhat hushed, broke through. I peered up under my eyelashes to see Colt shaking the hand of a man near his age sitting behind his parents who took their seats. Colt and the man wearing almost identical suits laughed at something one of them said. The woman next to the man must have been his wife or fiancée based on her large diamond ring. She stared at Colt like he was a piece of chocolate she wanted to taste. No padded bra for her based on her nipples poking the front of her white blouse. If Colt noticed, he didn’t show it. He kept his focus on the man who also seemed to soak in everything Colt said.

  My heartbeat caught, and my pulse invaded my ears. Seeing him this close for the first time in twenty years didn’t shock me as much as it might have. His hair, with bangs swept back and the sides short was still ash brown but on the darker side to match his dark tan. His hands and nails were taken care. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had manicures. He still wore his college ring from Dartmouth, not his college of choice since he didn’t get into Amherst like me.

  I watched him, waiting for him to see me. He was too busy playing mayor to the attention seekers around him. But then the choir started singing. I whispered his full name like a spell, and as he moved to sit next to his mother, he turned in my direction and froze.

  I averted my eyes and stared at my hymnal while I rose with the congregation as the priest entered. My body reacted in anticipation when I looked at Colt. Slickness formed in between my legs. If I slid my finger inside me and curled upward, I would have made myself orgasm. I waited, impatient for the priest to walk up to the altar. As the last chords of “We Gather Together” finished, I focused on Colt who looked like he had seen a ghost. He mouthed my name and blinked. In return, I rolled my lips together to wet them. I then lowered my gaze and said oh so soft
ly, “I’m back.”

  ###

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but you have a lovely singing voice,” a woman older than me by thirty years said while I stood in front of the votive candles near the front exit. I was deciding whether to light a candle to kill time so Colt would continue to soak in my presence.

  “Thank you for your kind words. I just moved to Cartleigh and was glad to find a church like St. Anthony’s. Their choir is one of the best I’ve heard.” I tried for friendly cute by raising my voice and tucking any stray hair behind my ears.

  The older woman squeezed my wrist, not that I gave her any indication her touch was welcome. But I gritted my teeth instead of jerking my arm away.

  “The choir always needs volunteers. You should talk to Father Chavis who said Mass today.” She flexed her hand around my wrist before letting go. Her fingers were soft but her nails were too long and yellow, a sign of a smoker.

  “That’s good to know.” Tired of the sham courtesy, I dipped to the kneeler and lowered my face to pray. The woman hovered for longer than I wanted her to, but then a man called her to leave. If she said goodbye, I didn’t notice. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of disappearing voices and footsteps. I was tempted to turn around to see if Colt and his parents remained. But just like the past hour, I kept my staring to a minimum. Colt must have had whiplash in his neck from the way he kept staring at me. Good. I hoped he found some discomfort and either his mother or father noticed his distraction. A giggle fell from my mouth at the idea one of them might discipline their adult son for acting like a spoiled brat in church.

  When my knees started to ache, I rose to my feet, still concentrating on the candles. After dropping a few bills in the donation box, I lit one for Marina, not that it would help her. The fake flame flickered wildly. The others I lit just for the hell of it didn’t move. If it was a sign from a higher power many believed in, it didn’t affect me at all. Finished with my introspection, I turned to be met with the spicy sweetness of incense, which made me hungry.