Shame of It All Read online

  He remained still, just breathing harder than normal. I ruffled his hair, much happier even though the gnawing pain in my arm and head was overpowering. As much as I wanted to stay and watch him deteriorate further, I had my own health to think of. I took out my cell and snapped a picture of the Christmas tree, as well as the mountains so I could bring these pictures up anytime instead of relying on my memories of this moment. I was tempted to take a picture of Colt, but I didn’t want any tangible evidence of him, not even a picture.

  “I have another appointment I don’t want to be late for. This has been an enlightening discussion.” I hugged my arm to my chest and smiled as politely as possible. Once I left him here, he would be no longer relevant to me. I would finally be free.

  “You did all of this for revenge?” He lifted his head and rubbed his face. “Did you ever once think by hurting me, you would be hurting so many others?”

  “I did, but you’re to blame. Everything you’ve done since you last saw me put you in this position you’re in now. You’re responsible for your own actions, not me.”

  He sat up and glared at me in disbelief. “I made one mistake when I was seven—”

  “It wasn’t a mistake, and you know it. Just like it wasn’t a mistake for you to get involved with Marina, which caused her death, even if you didn’t force her to drink and drive. Imagine how things could have been different for both of us if you thought of the consequences of your actions.”

  “You would have still been here and accomplished nothing,” he spat.

  His insults held no power. I was numb to them now, with the exception of the physical pain, but it was because of being shot and stepping on broken glass.

  “Who knows, maybe you’re right. I might have stayed in Cartleigh and built a life here.” I shrugged and stepped back toward the elevator. I might have even married Colt and had his children. But his cruel nature crushed those dreams I longed for when I was so young and naïve. He had also lost out on the incredible possibilities I could have given him. But he ruined it and would never know them. He would never truly understand what he took from me. He left with me his violence instead of what should have been created in love.

  He sent me one last disgusted look and then stared out the window. I had been dismissed. What else could he do? He didn’t want me in his presence any longer. I felt the same. I walked to the elevators without saying a sardonic goodbye or one last passing shot to his fragile ego. When the doors opened, I entered the elevators and pressed the button to the lobby, still keeping my back to him, to show, if he looked, he was forgotten as he always should have been.

  ###

  I should have gone to my house even with the evidence of violence still there, or at the very least to Ari’s. Even a posh hotel suite reserved by Yakim who would have gladly let me pass out on his king-size bed would have worked. But I wanted to enjoy the numbness the painkiller I digested provided as soon as I left Colt. It kicked in while I lit a candle at St. Anthony’s. There was something soothing sitting inside the church with the decorated trees and wreaths. Even the oversized manager with hay and fake statues near the altar added to my solace.

  I came to say my goodbyes. By tomorrow I would be on the Zeldovich family jet to Saint Petersburg. Yakim was always in my thoughts. He texted to ask my whereabouts. I answered so not to worry him. If he thought I was in danger, he would be by my side. But he knew I could take care of myself. What he didn’t know was the voice message Ari left. The concern in his voice clear, as he asked where I was and said I was still welcome to stay over for another night. Sweet Ari.

  Having two men look out for me with loving care was unexpected. Not many women could say that. If I believed in God, I would thank him here, get on my knees and pray. I could even enter a confessional and lay out my sins to the priest. Based on the comings and goings of some older church goers, confession was currently happening. Maybe for shits and giggles I would.

  I giggled before I could stop myself. The few people in church didn’t hear me. They were much closer to the front than me. I was smart to sit next to a column to give me a nice sense of privacy.

  “Hello, Ms. Pryce.” Senator Hahn slid in the pew behind me.

  “You visit churches on random Tuesdays?” If I wasn’t numb from the pills I took, I might have jerked in surprise by my unwanted visitor.

  “I’m here for confession.” He spoke near my left shoulder.

  I kept staring ahead. “A politician who goes to confession? How long does it take you to list your sins? A full day?”

  “Probably an average length of time depending on what I’ve done that month.” He leaned in closer, his folded arms on the pew ledge. “I’m back in Cartleigh visiting my brother. Colt’s father has been under the weather, and I wanted to check on him.”

  “That’s sweet of you.” The mention of Colt made me perk up. “Did you talk to your nephew today?”

  “We talked on the phone after you came here.”

  “You’ve been spying on me?” I turned toward him, just enough to see his face, which now was covered with a full beard.

  “It was a coincidence. I was going to meet Colt for lunch and spotted you coming out of his building. You looked like you were going to cry and kept holding your left arm to your chest. You either had an argument with my nephew or your gunshot wound is to blame.” He grimaced and lightly patted my shoulder. “I am truly shocked at what Ms. Yeaton did to you, my dear.”

  I wasn’t in a good place to battle the senator. My argument with Colt had zapped all my energy. The senator had to be aware of this fact. Maybe I’d let him speak his mind since I wasn’t up to the task of stopping him.

  “I’m much better now. I didn’t argue with your nephew. But he may see it differently.” I edged over to the right to make it clear I preferred he not touch me again. “Did he tell you I’m leaving tomorrow?”

  “He told me you’re leaving and…shall we say thrilled at what you’ve accomplished here for Cartleigh.” He sounded delighted, which didn’t make any sense if Colt told him the truth.

  I turned to face him, my left hip digging into the pew. “I guess this means you’ll be in Cartleigh much longer than you expected to help Colton handle the bad press coming his way.”

  “He always looks to me for guidance. I’ll help him through any rough patches that may occur in his career.” He hung his arms over the pew. “I should have known the Alzmeya deal was too good to be true. What power do you have over the Zeldovich boys that they would invent this façade? I can’t believe their father is privy to this plot.”

  “I’m not just some small-town girl. The Zeldoviches, especially Yakim, have been very kind to me. If your nephew did his research, he would have realized I’m not just an employee but a part of the family.”

  The senator lowered his head and chuckled. Then his one arm moved behind me, making me straighten. He glanced up with what could only be described as a shit-eating grin. “I’m well acquainted with the Zeldoviches. I have dined with the patriarch and his lovely wife many times. The same goes for their competitors, the Volkovs. You could say they treat me as member of their family, also.”

  I could handle Colt easily but, when it came to his uncle, I was out of my depth. The Volkovs were as well known as the Zeldoviches but in different ways. Yevgeny might be ruthless, but he still had a soul. The Volkov patriarch had been dead for two decades, but his son Yurly embodied his father. If the senator was such a close friend of Yurly’s, I would have to proceed with caution, especially if the senator really did love Colt like a son.

  “If for some reason the Zeldoviches pull out, Yurly on behalf of the Volkovs might be interested. It would work out for you and Colt, even though you’re inviting a well-known Russian mobster to establish a business here that would place you in their debt.” I was practically off the pew and on the kneelers. “I wonder what the American public would say about a senator in bed with the mob?”

  “You like to think the worst of people, Mis
s Pryce.” He stretched his arms across the edge and then sat back. “I’m not here to threaten you. I actually sympathize with you.”

  “Why? Because of what Colt did to me?” I moved back on my seat, inching away.

  He must have noticed yawning space between us but kept still. “Colt didn’t tell me what he did to you. If you would like to tell me, go ahead.”

  A laugh stuck in my throat. “Would it change your opinion about your nephew if I did?”

  “Probably not. I know what he’s capable of.”

  I want to ask him what but then a priest appeared and waved at the senator. The senator nodded and held up a finger.

  “I don’t want to lose my confessional appointment. This could be the last one I have for a while in light of some bad press the church might suffer because of you.” He rose and rested his hands on the edge of the pew. “I must say I’m having a strange sense of déjà vu with you.”

  “Why’s that?” I stood.

  “Did you know your mother came to Mass here as well as confession? It was around the time your father was stationed in Iraq. She prayed for him.”

  “You knew my mother?” I sat, stunned.

  “Very well.” His smile spread across his face as he stared ahead. “I knew her before your father did. She was a volunteer for one of my reelection campaigns. Clara was dedicated to my cause. She would have been a great addition to my…staff, but—” He sighed and shook his head. “Her drug addiction and her relationship with your father stopped it. And then when your father died in combat, she was devastated.”

  “Are you telling me you were friends?” I found myself edged into the corner of the pew for some reason. I wanted to move but my legs wouldn’t work.

  He turned to me with that same smile but gone was that pensive look and more awareness returned. “You remind me of her. If she hadn’t been sick or met your father, she could have done amazing things. I would have helped her succeed if she had stayed with me.”

  The way he spoke of my mother was completely different from how he spoke of my father. His use of the word father was said with contempt. I shook my head more to dislodge my confusion than to deny.

  He moved behind me and squeezed my shoulders. “If you ever have questions about your mother, please ask. She was a lovely lady. Maybe our paths will cross again in the new year.” He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and left, barely making a sound as he walked down the aisle and turned the corner for confession.

  Whereas I wanted to escape while in the senator’s presence, I now sat frozen, staring at the lights on the trees and the wreath behind the altar. As I reviewed what he had insinuated, the star at the top of the tree blinked and then went dark. Under my breath, I ordered it to turn on, but it didn’t obey.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Ari answered the door as soon as I rang the bell. He must have been waiting for me. He opened the door, still dressed in the Oxford dress shirt and slacks he wore to work. Herriot was by his side, his tongue out and wagging his tail.

  “I’ve been worried about you all day Where did you go?” He held the door open for me.

  “Can you believe my cell battery died?” I lifted the bag of Chinese food. “I got us dinner from Hunan Wok. I know how much you love their egg rolls.”

  He shut the door after I entered, which was a good sign, but he didn’t help me off with my coat. He tapped his fingers on his hips as he stared me down. I did the same.

  He finally relented and held out his hand for my coat. “Did you go to your house?”

  “I stopped at St. Anthony’s to light a candle. I sat there for a while since it’s so peaceful with the Christmas decorations.” I really did want to stick as close enough to the truth as possible. But I’d already failed once I mentioned my cell phone battery and left out my visit to Colt. I wanted Ari in the dark as much as possible, especially after I was gone so he wouldn’t bear the brunt of any clapback from Colt.

  “Yakim didn’t reach out to me about you missing in action for most of the day.” He took the bags and walked to the kitchen.

  “Oh, trust me, if he thought I was in trouble, he would have raised hell.” I followed him to the kitchen and sat.

  He set the bags on the table and then sat across from me. He patted Herriot instead of asking if I wanted something to drink or serving the food.

  “What’s on your mind?” I rubbed my arm, only half aware, because the medication still dulled the pain.

  “Will you spend another night here or are you returning home?” He concentrated on the floor more than on me.

  “I haven’t thought of it. I don’t want to overstay my welcome. You’ve been so sweet and kind—”

  “You’re not overstaying your welcome. I’m glad you can trust me like Yakim.”

  I moved to the chair next to him and rested my hand on his. “You’ve made my visit to Cartleigh bearable. I’ll always appreciate it.”

  He linked our fingers. “It’s always been just a visit for you.”

  “Yes, it has.” I squeezed his hand. “If things were diff—”

  “You’ve been an important part of the town. Alzmeya needs someone to stay here permanently once the deal is finished. Yakim told me as much.” He lifted our combined hands and kissed my knuckles. “Why can’t it be you?”

  “Oh, Ari, there’s so many reasons why I can’t stay.” I released him and stood, meaning to get a glass for water, but I stopped and stared out the window that gave me a view of his backyard. It was more spacious than mine and had a shed. A kayak laid next to it.

  “You kayak?”

  He came up behind me and set his hands on my waist. “It was a gift from my father for my thirtieth birthday. I’ve only used it once since I couldn’t find anyone to kayak with. If you stay, we can go out on the lake together.

  “One of my favorite things in Cartleigh is Sitala Lake.” As much as I wanted to hate it because of my rape, I loved the water. I always tried to remember the good times on the lake more than the bad.

  “I bet you’ve seen many more beautiful lakes in your travels.” He let me go and took out a beer from the refrigerator.

  I could tell him all the incredible places I’ve been to, but I didn’t want to rub it in. He might not appreciate it since Yakim was the one responsible for showing me such beauty.

  Suddenly thirsty for something more than water, I too snagged a beer from the refrigerator.

  “You’re okay to drink while on your pain meds?” He opened the beer with a bottle opener on his key chain connected to his belt.

  “The worst that would happen is I fall asleep on you.” I pointed the bottle at him to open.

  “You survived a home invasion and attack, so I guess a beer won’t hurt.” He opened it.

  “If only you knew what else I’ve survived in my life.” I took a swig of the brew, wondering how fast it would go to my head.

  He drank his beer. “You’ve had a lot of loss, more so than most people I know.”

  “I don’t mean the death of my loved ones.” I took another swig.

  “Are some of those reasons why you won’t remain in Cartleigh?”

  I drank my beer until there was a quarter left. I hoped we could eat the takeout and then spend the last hours I had left reminiscing about sweeter times. It would be nice for my final actions to be ones that would make me smile since Ari would be a part of them.

  When he turned me to face him, I closed my eyes and lowered my face to his shoulder.

  He held me until I kissed under his ear. “If you’re not too hungry yet, would you like to grab us another beer and sit out on the deck outside your bedroom? We could watch the sunset.”

  “It’s been a while since I’ve sat there. Let’s do it.”

  He kissed my cheek and snagged two more beers. With my hand in his, and Herriot following us, he led me upstairs to watch the sun set over the lake.

  We didn’t eat dinner until the midnight moon shined high in the sky.

  ###

&n
bsp; The flurries in the air and frigid temperature of the water made me feel alive. I was warm enough in my Amherst sweatshirt and sweatpants, and hooded Toscana sheepskin coat, although my feet had become numb, which made sense since I stood ankle deep in the lake. I did it to honor the last time I had made an insane move, or so Marina said. She had dared me to skinny-dip naked on the Christmas Eve of our last year of high school. It was one of my Christmas gifts to her. I lasted all of a minute but it made her happy. My reward was her hugging me even dripping wet.

  I now lasted much longer with my ankle-deep dip, although my toes might fall off. But I imagined Marina next to me, cheering me on for doing such a daring thing. The freeze didn’t bother me so much. It must have been my reflectiveness as the morning fog began to vanish from the lake as the sun rose. I could have had slept longer, surrounded by the warmth Ari provided, but I had to pack and wanted to be gone before he woke up. It would be best since I wouldn’t return. The note I left him should soften the blow to his male ego. Sexual attraction and settling for a comfortable, yet basic love affair wasn’t enough to keep me here.

  The pinging from my fully charged cell told me it was time to go. I pulled on my warm boots that should unfreeze my feet by the time I arrived at the airport. Texting the driver I was coming and my luggage I had packed very early this morning was on Ari’s front porch, I took in one last view of the lake. The squawking of a bird overhead, sounding too much like laughter, reminded me of Marina.